Just last week I realized Laila Goddess turns 10 this year. The on pause years of Covid made me think of her as 8 because I couldn’t create anything new and shows were all cancelled, but here we are 10 years after the first tentative collection. Time to share the many rambling epic roads that brought me here.
When I was 17, I met a woman who used to go to Indonesia on buying trips and come back to resell her found treasures. My mother would buy batik fabric from her to sew dresses and I bought my mom a beautiful batik landscape. The intrepid solo world traveller left a profound impression on me that unfolded dramatically as decades went by. It was also the time I first heard the magical word, Kathmandu, and promised myself one day I'd go there.
After my mother passed in 2008 I found the batik gift, and it alerted me to a full circle I myself had traveled without awareness, which I’ll explain later.
Art was always a passion and pastime, often using textiles in multi-media projects. I won high school awards and studied Fine Arts at University, graduating with B.FA in Visual Arts and B.Ed degrees. A huge landscape painting commission I finished by embroidering and beading details on the shoreline. In the last school years I paid my tuition with my first entrepreneurial venture- Lovely Silks by Laila in which I batiked silk scarves and sometimes sewed them together to make draped tunics shown below in Saint Marco square in Venice 1986. It was a lucrative part-time job! |
In 2013 at a business mastermind in Miami I was prompted repeatedly to create a clothing line based on my custom made and personally designed wardrobe I was sporting. It took a lot of convincing and after sitting with the idea for several months I thought, perhaps I could begin by creating silk pajamas I had had made from silk sarongs that were elegant enough to wear out. I also thought if I can help women feel good in their clothing, then it’s meaningful work.
Following fashion isn’t really that interesting to me. I like classic timeless garments. It’s the self-expression without rules and trends that I’ve always leaned towards since starting to sew at 10 years of age. Laila Goddess Feel Good Silks was born. At another conference that same year I brought my private custom made silk pyjamas, which ended up modeled by kind encouraging participants.
The intention was to find gorgeous silk sarongs with which to make the kimonos and pants as I’d done before. However I didn’t know at the time that the quality of silk and workmanship had dropped considerably and would not support my vision for high quality beauty.
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ABOVE: first spark for Laila Goddess: My private custom-made silk pyjamas made from sarongs.
Upon arrival in Bali in winter 2014, the production owner I was introduced to assured me that I could print my own silk if I wasn’t happy with what I could buy ready made. When I said I was a painter not a textile designer, he told me they could help. I’d brought a favourite sarong and we scanned it and from there I started to transform it into my own design. Unread Oprah magazines were packed in my suitcase and I found an article about Sarah Jessica Parker starting her own shoe line, adding her signature with a ribbon on the back seam of the shoes, a loving tribute to the days of childhood when her mother would put ribbons in her hair. That inspired the idea to include my own signature printed right in the fabrics. The first fabrics printed were coordinating textiles for Kimono and pants that had a lovely border in which the first Laila Goddess signature appeared. I didn’t know at the time that although a border made for beautiful garments, it was also difficult for efficient pattern layout and ended up with a lot of waste…. I reconfigured my retreat company logo to work for Laila Goddess. During the early years I was both a traveling therapist under Aziza Healing Adventures as well as neophyte textile and clothing designer. |
Above: Bali silk sarong that was scanned to kick off the original first collection, A weary Laila wearing the first Kimono hours after it was complete, first LG logo taken from AHA logo, Laila wearing another Kimono 1st collection, Signature logo in the silk border
In 2000 I designed and sewed a gorgeous millennium celebration-worthy outfit made of antique spring green/turquoise silk taffeta finished with crushed sapphire blue velvet, and matching shawl. That year I turned 40 and marked the occasion the following winter with a sea kayaking/camping adventure in the British and US Virgin Islands. Later that year an intuitive woman said to me, “Laila, what if you put your art, kayaking, travel and healing passions all together and create something.” The idea was fantastic, but what would that look like? Finally I figured out I could create a retreat company which utilized the 14 years I’d spent part time studying Gestalt Therapy, Expressive Arts therapy, and (Usui Reiki which I’d been practicing since 1988). Aziza Healing Adventures was born in 2002 and when a Gestalt therapist in Brisbane Australia found me on Google that year, he was intrigued with the combination and invited me to create a retreat in Australia, and co-lead a therapeutic art conference in Bali where he had contacts. Although that conference fell through I was eager and decided to offer my first Bali retreat in 2004. So began the unfolding for my evolution of creating clothing there that took me stylishly through peri-menopause and menopause, landing me at the Miami mastermind in 2013 in which another intuitive coach told me to start a clothing label because I’d figured something out I wasn’t even aware was a problem in the market. |
Above: Homemade Millennium dress, sea kayaking USVI, AHA retreat company, Bali healing journey
Ten years after my first trip to Bali, which has been an annual pilgrimage except during covid, I arrived with the intention to begin Laila Goddess Feel Good Silks. The stress was profound because I didn’t train for any of it although I’d had a lot of transferable experience. As fate would have it I contracted a tropical illness from a tiny mosquito bite called Chikungunia virus. The tropical disease clinic in Toronto told me it was the wimpy cousin of Denge Fever. Still, while in Bali I was in bad shape during the fever and the joint pain that lasted for 2 months gave me a whole new compassion for common geriatric complaints. It was during this time I had to make the critical colour decisions for printing the first fabrics. Strange to have to surrender to “good enough” rather than fussing, and just trust it would be OK in the end. The first Laila Goddess Feel Good Silks pyjama collection was made up of 8 fabrics, 4 colour pallets, and only Kimono, pants and shorts and bias cut nightgown/dress. Where to sell the new collection? Somehow I thought since Toronto was hosting World Pride it would be a good idea to get a booth because of the hundred thousand international crowd attending. Oh I was so wrong! Inexpensive T-shirts and sex toys surrounded my booth, there was nobody shopping for silk garmens that cost a few hundred dollars. One man walked by thanking me for adding some class to the vendor line up. I made one sale, a nightgown dress. My rainbow banners were stolen overnight, but I was smart enough to empty the tent till morning. This first show was the first of many huge and expensive learning experiences. |
Above: First ever booth and first show, passerby wanting to try on the dress and shawl, one and only sale at Pride-Nightgown Dress.
Romanticising the idea of pyjamas you can wear day into night was the marketing plan, His and Hers, wedding gifts or travel wear. I wanted to show the pallet inspirations from my Bali photography. Balancing this new venture’s tentative experiments with my AHA retreats and workshops was a handful. It was a slow steady start. |
In my early 30’s I discovered I loved cycling and was determined to have a grand tour somewhere beautiful. I decided to fly out to Calgary to meet a woman I’d never met who also wanted a cycling trip to tour the Canadian Rockies. We were very well matched travel companions and she knew the area, had a car and tent.
She suggested a day trip to Moraine Lake. We had no idea there would be a 2.5 hour gruelling uphill ride to the mountain lake. Just before every turn of the endless road we thought, this must be the top!, but no, just another length of pavement before the next blind turn up.
Eventually we made it to the breathtaking mountain vista that graced older $20CAD bills. It was only on the long way back down, braking for a full 20 minutes, that I realized the accomplishment, and more importantly, that I NEVER would have begun the journey had I known the physical challenge ahead because I simply would not have believed I could do it.
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Above: Laila cycling on flat road after the climb up to Moraine Lake, Alberta
The experience awakened a pivotal insight into my automatic limiting mindset and self-doubting assumptions. Alerted me to how wrong my self-perception could be and all I could miss out on if I listened to a NO in my head before even trying. Since then I’ve increasingly nurtured the idea of considering what’s possible, rather than thinking about my ability. Certainly I am aware of some limitations that I should respect, but this experience set the ground for pretty much every significant choice and dare and risk I’ve taken since. A year later at the age of 32, I embarked on a life altering trip to Nepal to trek the Himalaya in a small international guided tour group of wonderful people. The richness of that experience is a book unto itself. I saw the moon rise over Annapurna, rafted the Trisuli River, rode elephant in Chitawan jungle, looked upon Mount Everest, and played volleyball amongst the rock giants, heard Sherpas sing, bathed in frigid glacier fed rivers, and changed the course of the rest of my life. It was in Nepal I was encouraged to follow my dream to be a healer. Shortly upon returning home, I discovered the Toronto Gestalt therapy training program which I enrolled in, and after that, an Expressive Art Certificate program I studied concurrently while working full time. It was this training along with my Reiki background that lead to the leap of creating Aziza Healing Adventures (AHA) 10 years after the cycling trip. |
Above: Laila looking down on Namche Bazaar at the concluding decent of the Himalayan trek
My first international AHA retreat was in Australia in 2003 where I reunited with my Nepal trekking pals who showed me so much of that amazing country after I completed the sea kayaking/Gestalt/Expressive art retreat I was facilitating. It was a crazy wonderful unexpected start to that entrepreneurial venture…and which lead to my first retreat in Bali the following year, setting the stage for all that unfolded in an entirely new and unforeseen venture. The stepping stones, the leaps, the "invisible helping hands" Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers speak of when you FOLLOW YOUR BLISS, they are not always easy or comfortable and can also hold deep heart ache alongside the profound satisfaction of self-determination, this woven tapestry has brought me a rich life culminating at this moment in the expression of Laila Goddess. I had no idea that’s where I was heading. 2024 is the tenth anniversary and who knows what the future holds?! As promised, here’s the miraculous full circle: The batik landscape is a mirror reflection of the photo taken of me in Nepal with same hat, red backpack, and walking stick (umbrella) looking down into the mountain river valley from a rocky perch. I still shake my head when I see them. |
A solo female world traveller whose unusual adventurous lifestyle and beautiful Indonesian treasures crossed my impressionable teenage path in the late 70’s inspiring a string of choices, not all conscious, that delivered me around the world and ultimately to Bali for an annual pilgrimage where I've transformed, among other things, into textile artist and creator of Laila Goddess. Thank you for helping me arrive! Laila |
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I’ve had one of the most satisfying and wonderful Christmas season’s ever, with weeks of fun socializing followed by days of solo time, gorgeous yummy meals, and it was all so deliciously balanced.
My mood this morning wasn’t great and it always takes me by surprise after a string of very good days. Sometimes when I’m 'off' there’s something that needs releasing that I’m not fully aware of, so I just focused on the possibility something was ‘up’ for me.
Sure enough my eyes started to well up and I realized my lack of initiative to get some really important tasks started was scaring me. I just wanted to continue to sit still and reflect and write and putter around, listen to music, enjoy all this space and time around me after the busyness of the year and holidays. Like many others I didn’t want to go back to work yet.
But the fact is the website inventory isn’t accurate as I discovered at every show. Today I have a helper coming to begin counting what’s left of the pandemic collections so I can properly update quantities online- in order to start the year off well and also announce a year end sale.
The ON SALE NOW Collection is very important as I don’t have any shows till Spring and the more room I make in online inventory, the more I’m willing to invest in the new 2023 collections. All a bit tricky in this economy to forecast new year spending trends….
Getting organized before the inventory counting is no small task and that’s what I felt limp about today. In fact what I’ve been putting off for the last few days, overruling my ambition to have had this done before Christmas in time for Boxing Day. Yet time was running…
The show booth gets packed into the car and then unpacked waiting (below) for my attention.
Needs to be organized (below) in styles, colours, sizes and counted
with extra sizes put away and ready for online orders.
I could also feel the pressure to begin the new textile designs I’ve had in my head these last 3 years that need birthing…. And create the new styles- 2 new dresses and tops/jackets/coats…
Yes, I was afraid this morning, not wanting to move or get started on the pictures above. Not feeling any industry in me. So much to do and yet no spark. It’s not fatigue, I’ve been resting and my tank is full. Just preferring to extend my resting state in idle holiday mode.
So I felt my fear and I had a squirt- a small release of tears. No drama, no big emotions, just acknowledging this is where I was at and I was uncomfortable; Afraid of my lack of initiative at a crucial time. Just a few moments was all I needed to dwell on my feelings.
For some reason I got up, and as I walked by my vase of Christmas tulips decided to change the water and cut the stems. Did the same for another vase. Then a quick sweep of the fallen leaves dry from being indoors. Sat back down and noticed the energy was flowing through me again, gentle but moving.
In Gestalt therapy, (my previous career), there’s a wonderful term called The Paradox of Change. When you feel stuck, the theory is rather than resist and beat yourself up about it and try to change it, SURRENDER to the feeling. Acknowledge and respect it as valid and present and yours.
Then watch what happens. When you actually allow yourself to feel the feeling you don’t like, it often will dissolve. Our feelings just want some attention, acknowledgment in the busy distracted pace of everyday living, like a young child. Often they’ll go play elsewhere once you’ve given them a cuddle after a fall.
So it was with me this morning. Yes I was truly alarmed at my lack of initiative this morning in the face of the importance of the tasks ahead. And after respecting my feeling with acknowledgement, without judgement or cajoling or rationalizing, and then letting it move out, I experienced my initiative was available again.
Now I’m even more clear on the theory: Just because I was afraid didn’t mean that my fear was true for more than a moment.
My fear was that I would continue to procrastinate in the bliss of holiday mode, and get into a business pickle. By feeling that authentically, it was no longer true. I had MOVED ON.
What’s really happening is transforming a ‘should’ into a new choice by acknowledging my resistance to it.
I then had to decide whether to take the time to write this in the moment, consider if writing, which gives me enormous pleasure and satisfaction, was simply a distraction from prepping for the afternoon task. But this was a simple enough note to jot down, only taking half an hour to express here. My energy is flowing. The finessing of the writing-the re-writing- is what takes the most time and which can wait till I’m ready to send out the next newsletter…
I’m sharing this with you in hopes that if you’re out of sorts, or resistant to something, be still and feel it. You might get some clarity. Just feel it without judgement, and surrender to what’s true for your today. Then see what happens.
Perhaps you can go into the new year with one less should on your plate….Hopefully you’ll find yourself on the other side of the paradox of change.
LG
12/27/22
UPDATE 12/29/22: Oh the relief after the first chunk of inventory was counted with my fabulous helper! And just before she arrived, another helper here for something else asked if I was going to update inventory directly online rather than fuss with writing info down on printed web pages only to have to input later. GENIUS and so obvious a solution that was not in my mind. Saved me hours and hours of work!. The Sale pricing got input at the same time as inventory which also saved time. So here we are!
‘Tis the season that burdens millions of people for a multitude of reasons while still offering some delights.
Gift giving can tax your energy at the best of times if approached as an obligation. Obligation sucks the joy out of an occasion and can definitely be felt by the recipient on some level, truly defeating the purpose of and souring the celebration.
What purpose do gifts serve? What is a gift really?
I’ve thought long and hard about this recently and have come up with something I hope you’ll find helpful.
This post is not meant to add to your burdens this season, it’s about generating another point of view on an age old tradition that, if it resonates, can be considered for next time…
One of the greatest human experiences is to feel known.
When someone ‘gets’ you, there’s a beautiful alchemical moment of connection that can happen, even when the other isn’t around face to face.
When I receive something that has less to do with me and more to do with the giver I can feel confused or hurt: the choice of colour, shape, the object itself, these reflect the giver not me. It’s the balancing of the giver and receiver in the gift that makes all the difference and that's what I’m inviting you to experiment with when you can.
What do you know about the person you’re gifting? All the many preferred details you’ve witnessed over the years that speak volumes.
There’s an incredible resource you might find helpful called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He discovered as he researched globally that people feel loved in 5 different ways he calls languages: Words of affirmation, gift giving, quality time, physical touch, acts of service. Understanding your primary love language and that of the ones you love will take so much of the mystery out of your relationships. Might be a good read in 2023…
A meaningful gift actually delivers the message: I know you.
Your efforts in observation, sensitivity, thoughtfulness reflect a generosity of spirit far more valuable than the price tag. Have you ever felt good giving a compromise when you think the person is so hard to buy for, or already has everything so you just default to a generic present?
‘I know you.’ What an opportunity!
That precious expression is what you’re actually giving or not.
It can be painful when someone gets it so wrong -because the unspoken message can feel like “I don’t know you.” Or “I’m not interested enough to get to know you” or ‘This is all I could find because I had to get you something’. Or harsher still, “I won’t take the time to get you something that reflects what I know about you.” Have you ever felt this way?
Please don’t second guess your gift giving over my point of view. It’s only mine. A few decades ago I suggested to the people who repeatedly gave me things I just end up giving away, to consider simple consumable presents because my house was full and my aesthetic too difficult to anticipate. (I felt uncomfortable they were wasting their money)
Dare to gift a simple gift that reflects what you know about someone.
In my childhood my mother finally put her foot down one year after getting yet another kitchen gadget and insisting next time the gift be something for her, not the household. We were all stunned- assuming each time she’d appreciate the convenience. But that wasn’t the point of the occasion and we were clueless!
Is your recipient a foodie? What flavours do they really enjoy? A favourite fruit in a crafted jam, artisan salsa, hot sauce set, or aged balsamic vinegar. Specialty Tea, or coffee or spices in known preferred flavours. Imported cheeses, mustards, medley of olives or dried fruit with yummy crackers you know they only afford as a very special treat.
If it’s a wearable, reflect on the preferred texture, the colour, shape and functionality that would be most appreciated. To 'hard to buy for' Laila Goddess clients I often suggest putting a website wish-list together and send the link to their stumped family to help them get to know their taste.
How about a book by favoured author or subject, or tickets to see a touring entertainer. If it’s a plant choose a colour you know they love, spring bulbs if they garden. A spa or massage gift certificate or house cleaning service if they would love the help but won’t afford it themselves. . Bath products if that’s the way they relax, or candles in scents you know they really enjoy.
If they’ve been missing your company, gift them your precious time for a shared meal, art gallery visit, Scrabble game or forest walk.
Sentimental? Frame a fond memory or special note/card.
When my father was dying I created a collage of family photos and had it printed (Vistaprint) on a fluffy blanket so he could feel the love and be visually reminded of his long good life as he kept warm in his chair in his last months. Later the memory blanket was passed on to his grandchild…
Write a letter about your fondest shared memory or how helpful and impactful their friendship has been to you.
Are they overwhelmed by tasks they need to complete? Gift your time to help clean out the garage, organize the basement, deliver junk to the dump or help with income tax. If it’s not possible for you, perhaps hire a service provider.
These are just varied budget ideas to get your creative options flowing for what’s possible beyond the weekly consumer laden flyers; Examples of a way to simply say. ‘I know you and you matter enough to me to demonstrate it.’
It doesn’t have to be expensive or big or hard to get. If you already got them something, consider for next time a personal gift that speaks volumes in the 'I know you' gesture. See what happens in their reaction.
This is a new muscle that can be exercised in the gift-giving sphere of life. Yes a bit hard at first but it just needs to be practiced to transcend 'stuff' into substance.
Perhaps keep a list going of what you observe- to use as reference for the next gift. You can ask them too if you don't know their favourite hobby, music, colour, scent, flavour etc. Have fun in the discovery.
This doesn’t have to feel like more ‘work’, not when you allow yourself the room to realize and take pleasure in how much you already know someone and their preferences.
The experience of being known is a rare feeling in this fast busy world.
To be truly seen is so precious.
A gift of appreciation that reflects your loving effort to know the other well enough, and have that knowing thoughtfully expressed, is a worthy gift you will both receive and that will resonate for a long, long time.
For me that’s what is meant in the saying ‘It’s the thought that counts.’
You can choose the thought, ‘I know you.’
There’s nothing more you’d need to say.
Happy Holidays!
Synchronicity lead to two significant photos posted on social media on the same day recently. One was a 7 year old memory and the other taken now, both with lovely new clients and a lifetime lived in the years in between.
In 2015 my new venture was in its infancy, just a year old. I had just risked transferring my first 8 original textile designs from 100% silk kimono ensembles my client is wearing ( above) to the more practical rayon/lycra blend top you can see me wearing. I'd just surfaced long enough from tragic personal loss and profound grief to be able look at my life anew. Joy was once again available to feel, I can see it shining in my face. I'd posted this photo then because this lovely woman was my youngest client to date, never had I thought a student would seek out my Laila Goddess Feel Good Silks (as my venture was originally called). In these early first years she ended up collecting most of what I'd created in that motif and will enjoy her pieces for decades ahead. I knew nothing of the challenges that lay ahead as a total beginner growing an original textile and clothing company. I certainly could not have imagined that a short 18 months later I'd have proof of concept of my venture and this crazy unexpected mid-life inspiration would be supporting me financially. Initially women were shy about buying silk outfits, they didn't know good silk was machine washable, were hesitant to wear them casually, and I chose to follow that insight and shift focus to offer the now signature non-pilling super comfy rayon/lycra blend textile. Initially I didn't think I could compete in the stretch jersey arena so I chose silk, what did I know?! Leaping out of the silk focused original business model saved Laila Goddess, which became the new succinct name. Midway through the 7 years, after proof of concept of my venture- it was more than a pipe dream and something I could build on- I realized my personal growth retreat company was no longer the best expression of my skills. I stopped offering programs. Eventually I ceased to advertise the individual and couples sessions that had replaced the retreats. Juggling two careers was no longer feasible as LG took off. The writing was on the wall that this truly was the new incarnation of my calling to serve while being true to myself. During 2020 and 2021 pandemic down time, I cleaned out the old marketing materials and files to make room for the commitment to LG. It's a very strange thing to consciously end a career I've spent so much time training for and developing for something so utterly different. And yet they share the same intention because it's essentially meaningful work to see you happy as you look in the mirror wearing the solutions I've created. It's' a different kind of service and yet to the same end: self-acceptance, self-compassion, and in time self-love. I've got a cheeky sign that reads Laila Goddess: Cheaper than Therapy. It's true. Women will more readily invest in a gorgeous ensemble than spend the equivalent in life altering personal growth sessions. Accepting that pragmatic given helped move forward in the shredding and shedding of my old career and identity during these last 7 years. The exquisite image by Tom LaBaff (above) with my logo perfectly captures my intention. What a gift that day was when again social media brought something important across my path. I searched hard till I found who the artist was and Tom graciously permitted me to use this drawing in my branding. Visitors to my booth would take photos of my signage, moved by the message of this drawing, so I created a postcard to hand out and spread the word... The humble original website populated with images of garments on hangers taken with my phone (which I always apologized for) was replaced with sprawling 250 plus pages of professional photography of all the collections on gorgeous client models and an intuitive navigation geared to my mature demographic. Oh the pride of such an ambitious feat achieved only with the help of a marvelous team and the space and time imposed/gifted in 2020. In this current photo below, I'm with a lovely new client during a private Trunk show, another evolution from the original handful of Toronto events. It's the 17th of 24 event line up this year. For the last few years I've enjoyed the relief and freedom not colouring my salt and pepper hair- a nice surprise how it grew in. Highly recommend trying this. Although not totally seen in the photo, thirty-five of my current original textiles were available at this event. Here I've emerged from a long difficult period of family health challenges and loss, and like many others- painful relationship adjustments made during the pandemic, surviving 2 years of show cancellations due to lock down and what sixty-something self-acceptance looks like. I KNOW so much more in this photo, not all of it easy to know. Ignorance may be bliss but I'll take awareness any day. Now with better boundaries, deeper self-knowledge. Ease and flow. Trust. Life is really good here, despite the emotional challenges and fatigue I felt on this particular day which was balanced by the support of the marvelous host and women who came, like this beauty here! The first photo is the tentative start with the first hesitant collections as a new textile and clothing designer fumbling through unimaginable learning curves. It captures the cross-my-fingers dive into the deep end approach to a totally new career idea with only my wits, intuition and precious client feedback to guide me. I remind myself of an enthusiastic puppy. The second image reflects a grounded sense of purpose, tempered confidence based on experience- in the ability to learn, adapt and stretch way past comfort zones as a way of life. It's the integration of a deep, hard won commitment. I've met countless wonderful vibrant inspiring women who recognize the solutions I create as being appropriate and desirable, even beneficial for their lifestyle. I treasure the mutual relationship we have, with solid expectation to keep meeting more of your kindred kind, rather than only wish upon hopes and dreams. You are part of my life now, my muses, and matter so much. Expectation is a worthy muscle to exercise, it's much more than hope. Hope to me feels like faith, belief, the misty unseen potential of manifesting into something wanted but still a bit unsure. I love being naturally hopeful as a default along with my optimism. AND what I value about living as long as I have, based on experience and consequent expectation, is that life works out no matter what, that anything is possible. This increasingly steadfast expectation is the ground under the mist of hope. Try this: Find a younger photo of yourself, remember what was going on, then find a current photo or just look in the mirror, and consider what those between years of living and life, joy and sorrow, opportunity and loss, giving and receiving, disappointment and delight, fear, worry and relief, consider what you've grown into as all these have moved through your days and nights. Congratulate yourself! Please PLEASE ponder your experiences rather than judge the physical changes to your looks and body shape. It's valuable practice to reflect on what you've lived through and with, the choices made, the endings and beginnings, it helps raise your life into higher conscious living. Being conscious makes all the difference to the quality of your life. This first post-pandemic year has so much to show us all about what we've come through and continue to navigate. My wish, hope and expectation is that we can all enjoy a meaningful conscious and beautiful life. Thank you! LG |
There’s something quite transformative about speaking your truth out loud.
The effects are still resonating inside me from recent opportunities, readying me for the next time.
Event/Show etiquette is something usually not discussed, except when it’s shockingly violated, and then only amongst the vendors sharing stories.
But lately, I’ve been speaking my mind even more freely and it feels so good.
At the start of a recent show, after hours of set up in the heat wave the day before, hauling in and arranging hundreds of pounds of my creations, along with other vendors setting up in the blistering afternoon, after paying for both booth and set up help, the morning of the show I cheerfully greeted a woman strolling through early.
Historically, the people who are first at a show are serious buyers wanting the best selection from which to add to their collections of treasures. But all she had to say disapprovingly, even accusingly after looking at the price tag was, “These are expensive.” As if it was fact rather than opinion. As if I was in the wrong to value them as such.
I do sometimes hear, ”Why is this worth $100?”, so I responded as usual with, “These are original hand-printed fabrics, and the clothes are not made by children”.
Most people don’t think about WHO is paying the price for that cheap thing in the store. Someone always is. The price of every cheap thing in Western world stores is paid for by someone far away. Especially the new norm trend and bane of landfills that is fast fashion.
However, this time for the first time I calmly added before I could even think twice, “Don’t ever say that to an artisan- we don’t enjoy perks of a guaranteed income, retirement pension or paid holidays.”
I was angry afterwards. I wanted to say, ‘Walmart is down the street, why are you at an artisan event?’ I didn’t tell her that Laila Goddess is actually under priced for what’s involved and invested to create it. That’s a decision I made so that mature women who have a fixed senior income can enjoy adding pieces to their wardrobes. It’s priced so those who are new to buying real quality clothing can enter that arena and feel really good.
Most of the time I don’t bother responding to these types of criticisms and save my energy because I know ultimately the complaint is not about my price point, it often reflects a lack of worthiness to have something beautiful and unique that will wash well, hold its’ colour and last for years. You get what you pay for.
But this experience was at the start of the show, we were all fresh, eager and open to engage with the visitors face to face. Last thing you expect is to have a passerby shit on your creations.
What lingered though was my new declaration of boundary, ‘Don’t ever say that to an artisan’. Next time I’ll add the why, ‘It’s disrespectful’. Sometimes I just want to wake people up out of their thoughtlessness. Visitors browsing through a show for an afternoon of entertainment don’t realize how vulnerable the vendors are after investing so much to be there, and especially after the lock downs that hit, amongst other jobs, all the arts so hard!
That’s what I tell people who ask for a discount,’ No discount, you’re getting great quality and I haven’t been working for 2 years.’ Strange they have to be reminded. They wouldn’t think to ask at a regular store but somehow artists have to deal with a lot of attempts from buyers to get a lower price- as you would attempt at a garage sale. Painters tell me it happens all the time!
The times I’m truly exasperated I say,” You’re actually lucky I’m willing to work so hard to create these original clothes so you have opportunity to enjoy them.”
The thing is there are two important parts to the show equation, not just the buyer, but the creator as well is equally important. Very very few people, and I only recently, understand that the power dynamic is fundamentally balanced in the essential truth in these exchanges of creation and purchase. Each one needs the other.
The show ended with another situation I was unprepared for. This time by another vendor who asked me to pull out specific coloured garments and said she’d return after going to the loo. She did return and was in my booth for 45 minutes, keeping me as well as my only change room occupied. Finally she decided on 5 pieces and asked me to wait a few minutes while she got her money. I packaged up her purchase, wrote up the bill, and gave my attention to the next curious visitor.
My initial uneasy feeling became increasingly uncomfortable as time went by for not having the garments in the bag out on the rack for others to see. After a very productive 2 hours of selling, I left my booth to venture out to look for her at her husband’s booth. He informed me she’d left 2 hours before! I showed him the bag, the bill, told him she’d promised to return to pay. He knew nothing about it, clearly uncomfortable and called her. She answered, giving me her excuses about leaving the show and casually said she’d call me about the purchase in the next day or so. Noting her complete lack of accountability I wasn’t going to let my clothing, including a very popular dress, be ransom to her whims no matter how big the potential sale was.
I reminded her I’d kept these five garments aside as requested for five minutes that turned into 2 hours, not being sold to anyone else, but she refused my suggestion to have her husband pay for it now and bring it home, followed by, ‘I’ve already said sorry, what else do you want?’. Rather than quietly walk away, I told her how disrespectful her behaviour was especially coming from one self-employed vendor to another. It’s not OK to treat people this way.
She could have remedied her change in plans by simply asking her husband to get word to me that she’d left and make other arrangements for the purchase, or tell me to release the garments she'd promised to pay for so they could find another home in time before the show closed. I called her out on her disrespect.
I said it not to change the situation, the sale was nada, but to state the unspoken and make the wave into consciousness.
I don’t put items on hold for anyone, having been caught too many times with that dangling sweet carrot turning bitter. I totally respect when someone says she’ll think about it after trying on a garment, or promises to come back next day when not so sweaty or without impatient kids/husband, and we both understand the desired garment might not be there at a later time. But this was different.
Mobilizing the freedom to speak clearly and firmly, well, that experience lingered much longer than any leftover static as I processed just how much of my time and energy she wasted without a second thought. Don’t monopolize an artisan’s attention and occupy the only change room at a busy show if you’re not serious about a purchase. There are people who feel entitled to do whatever they want no matter the consequence to others and it’s important to say NO. Nothing in this world is going to change if you and I don’t say NO.
By reflecting back the true colours of bad behaviour, we’re saying NO to the one who needs to know.
I’ll never forget when I heard Phil McGraw say on his show. “You train people how to treat you.” Oh it’s so true. Honestly I’m sharing these stories as a beacon to dare speak up and re-train those who treat you differently than you want to be.
”If I am not for me, who will be for me?” Hillel the elder observed in 110BC. It’s still hard to do 2 millennia later, and yet so worth it as each time gets easier. These stories are not comfortable to share and yet I’ve decided it is all part of the process of mastering my voice for my highest good. Maybe you’ll be moved to do the same sooner than later. I hope so. We’ll wake up the world together… one appropriate NO at a time.
There’s a happy ending to this story. The last hour remaining in the show balanced out the sour experience when I sold the equivalent of that abandoned bill to new enthusiastic fans of Laila Goddess.
Karma is a most interesting phenomenon to observe, isn’t it?
This show’s success surpassed the 2019 event with both new and returning LG clients and apart from these exceptions I'm sharing to illustrate a point, it was a fun fabulous weekend full of wonderful visitors.
To those of you who appreciate artisans and the work we put into our creations, these gifts of love we make in every shape and size and medium, those of you who invest in and support us, who encourage us to keep making more, those of you who come out rain or shine, heat wave or snow storm, who line up patiently to get in, pay entrance fees, those of you who recognize that we equally share in and experience the marvelous magical alchemical exchange when creativity is expressed and witnessed, I thank you with all my heart.
YOU are why we keep daring and striving to make meaningful personal art.
YOU are why risking an entrepreneurial life is worth it.
Thank YOU for seeing us and believing in us. In me.
Thank you.
LG
07/22
The resulting new FREEDOM I feel is simply miraculous.
]]>The resulting new FREEDOM I feel is simply miraculous.
Overwhelm sets in much faster now than in 2020 when I was still on the treadmill of task achievement. There’s a kinder, gentler, more reasonable internal metronome that prompts the thought, ‘Oh, maybe the rest can wait till tomorrow, this is really all that needs to be done for now. ‘
It’s still so new I’m not quite used to the break I give myself. That’s not to say I’m procrastinating or being lazy or irresponsible. Nope, not at all. I’m actually dialing myself and my energy level into the equation as more important than the task at hand’s completion. So when overwhelm starts to hover, rather than push through, now I stop and reassess priorities.
This is spilling into the year of events ahead. In 2019 I participated in over 25 events in 8 months. I’d planned more for 2020, but they were all cancelled. This year, after MUCH deliberation, I’m following an unfamiliar impulse to not push myself to participate in a show every single weekend. The long July weekend and the long August weekend are now free and clear for me to catch my breath between a string of 4-5 shows in a row before and after.
This idea for taking off the July holiday weekend was challenged when I met an artist who said that show I cancelled was one of his most lucrative because of the retired demographic in the area that attend with the intention to buy. I wondered about my decision... was I wrong to take a break, but when I thought about the insane traffic leaving and returning to Toronto that weekend, and the throngs of people milling about, the long 3 show days, well my body told me with a yuck feeling, best to just stay home and have a break before the next string of 5 shows back to back. This pro Laila decision makes me SO happy every time I think about being home sweet home that weekend. Anticipated cost was just too high.
Taking a weekend off each month wasn’t decided on lightly. In the past those weekends were lucrative. But I promised myself before Covid, moving forward I’d also make time for a life, a social life where I’d have time and energy to see people and have fun outside of work, outside of packing up for a show, driving, setting up, settling into accommodations, making show meals, standing and selling at the show all day no matter the weather, packing up, packing the car, driving home and recovering the next day from the wear and tear on my body. Then preparing for the next show, marketing it and going off to do it all again a few days later.
When I have a weekend free between shows, honestly it feels like a luxury spa getaway, because I experience a loving embrace to my well being infinitely more valuable than any loss of opportunity to sell.
During the decades of my day job in the Graphic Arts industry, I always said: ” Every salary comes with a price.” Friends would talk about staying in their guilded cages for the benefit of a great retirement decades away or the yearly bonus... This was instructive to me and prompted my efforts to retrain for 14 years part time as a therapist, start my retreat company which eventually led to the creation of Laila Goddess- which FINALLY put together my skill, interest, talent and intention.
Now that this venture is established enough, I want to address the price I paid for the steady growth each year. No regrets, just an evolution in perspective of what the reasonable cost is for having this beloved new vocation. These last two years have given me enough time, as it has millions of people especially in North America (who are non essential workers), to consider a slower, less intense, less blindly ambitious, less incessantly demanding lifestyle so totally out of whack with WELL BEING. Millions of us are saying no more madness of the working treadmill.
With this new intention, all sorts of marvelous alternative solutions are presenting themselves to me. For example, rather than turning my back and spinning like a whirling Dervish to my storage pouches to find garment sizes during a show and losing precious time to just talk face to face with the women browsing, I’m now putting out all the sizes available in each colour of a garment style. That way I know immediately what is sold out and can save us both time in looking fruitlessly. It’s much less work and distraction for me having all available sizes already out. Why did it take 7 years to figure this out?!
At first I was concerned about not having every single garment style available at each event because there was now less room on the racks with all sizes out, but this is where ‘Good Enough’ comes in. No one is complaining I don’t offer enough style selection. Intuition is guiding my choices in what to display at each show, and my back is thankful I’m not hauling around so much ’just in case’ inventory.
When you include yourself into the equation of your daily goals, a whole new world opens up. It’s quite profound to create a paradigm with enough space and time to consider and reflect, rather than the established work obsessed, mad dash culture.
Feels like we’re in a revolution having had these past 2 years to spend considering what’s really important after so much time at home. I met a nurse at a show last weekend who quit her job and is now making candles to sell at weekend farmers markets, her lack of stress making up for the difference in income. A neighbour quit a deeply unsatisfying job (that took terrible advantage by increasing hours and cutting pay during Covid) to assist in his partners’ new venture- he’s never looked happier. I know many people who recently chose to retire early with less but OH so much more too.
Sure these are big risks, and I'm noticing there’s a steadily lowering tolerance for the high price paid to earn a steady salary in the same old way or with the relentless stressful conditions. We are waking up to what’s possible when what makes up quality of life is reexamined: To truly have the time to consider what is lost and what is gained in big and small work/life choices.
It’s not easy to live in career uncertainty, and I’m living proof it’s possible to get used to. Although I don’t know what this year will bring financially with fewer events, I do know that rather than worrying I’m really looking forward to planning my free time with all the activities and people that make life so worthwhile… right alongside a clothing venture that thrills me to share with you. You’re going to meet a much more relaxed, attentive and contented Laila Goddess.
Hope to see your beautiful faces at a show soon.
LG
05/22
In my twenties during a job interview the president of the company asked me something like, “ What code do I live by, or what personal ambition do I have? “, something like that which prompted this response: Reflecting upon this unexpected old memory popping up this morning, I see that some of the motivation for ‘reasonable’ came from being a people pleaser both by nature and by cultural nurture: It was important to get along with others. I valued cooperation. And I valued harmony. Compromise was an important skill. My twentysomething self was also wise enough to know I equally valued loyalty to myself, my heart, my vision, my truth. This interview cemented the arc away from my parents’ ambitions for me to become a “professional” of sorts. After training concurrently as artist (true to myself) and teacher (my mom encouraged it for practical purposes of employability- therefore reasonable), neither turned out to be quite right. With this job interview I fell into the accidental career of sales in the graphic arts industry. Because I impulsively bought a house a couple of years later, I needed to stay in the field to support the expensive roof over my head. That was reasonable. And for 14 years I concurrently trained part time in the healing arts to be true to myself because graphic art sales was killing me slowly. My insight today was that my father had been firmly denied any art training by his father and my mother had completed but didn't use her teacher qualifications. Seems I unconsciously chose to study both their abandoned fields… with no regrets: the transferable skills and knowledge I gained in my 5 years of university have served me very well for many decades. Christmas 2020 I wrote ‘The Long Goodbye’ about my dying father and the covid-19 related difficulties surrounding that process. I shared that the word “consciousness” was my guiding principle for myself and prayer for the world to achieve. (It is one of my best written pieces.) By summer of 2021 when the dust of grief and stress had settled enough I recognized that for the first time in 20 years I didn’t have a sick or needy parent to consider or help to care for. In fact I had created two ventures from the ground up in that distracted climate. My retreat company was born the same year my mother was diagnosed with cancer and increasingly over the next 7 years every time before I was away or while facilitating a personal growth program I had to wonder if I’d be getting a call. When my dad became a widower, the family dynamic changed completely. Again, and increasingly over a dozen years he needed more help and attention. During that time my retreat company gradually transformed into a brand new creative venture of original textile and clothing design, a venture that maintained my need to be away regularly. In 2021 I had for the first time in 20 years, for the first time since becoming an entrepreneur and starting two companies, for the first time I breathed in the new experience of complete absence of family obligation. I was a daughter no more. Then the unfamiliar miraculous release of the multi-faceted, complex, relentless guilt that comes hand in hand with balancing a life and work with aging and/or ill parent(s). I imagine many readers will be nodding at this point. The remainder of my life lay glistening before me, free and clear, fresh like uncharted territory. I wondered what it would actually feel like to be undistracted in my focus, not only vocation but on every aspect of what makes up an unobligated life. Covid-19 provided the bittersweet and ironic abundance of time to consider my new freedom in lock down. Did I need to remain reasonable while being true to myself? Who am I if I’m not chronically obliged? What can I dare do or be if I’m not tied down? WHAT DO I WANT NOW THAT I’M FREE? The pandemic has put a temporary lid on the immediate options available. But I will share this- my highlight of 2021. Early in the year, not yet knowing how I’d afford it in the barren lands of cancelled events, and months before my father had passed, I booked a long vacation for the fall at a familiar local escape. I had faith my life would continue to work out. Why not? I needed to look forward to something during such a difficult time, and intuitively I proceeded with my commitment not realizing just how desperately I’d require this time away by the fall. For those of you who still have parental obligations, I want to urge you when the time comes- after the passing- go away, take your leave. Go get your self back. Find a way to make that happen. And please trust me when I say, those who pass are never truly gone. My parents are around in spirit, having a marvelous adventure in their own newly found freedom... One auspicious part of the story is that 10 days before embarking to go away, a brand new client made an enthusiastic clothing purchase that covered my vacation cost! Free and clear, I could venture forth into self-care without any lingering form of stress. Since many of you now do, you may agree that working from home has a side to it that’s not so great. You are always in your work place, always aware of what still needs to be done for both job and your home. You never really get a true break from the burden of your roles. The sanctuary is also the place of constant reminder, if you’re anything like me. Finding peace with the “To Do list” is a spiritual practice that sometimes needs the help of pure and simple abandonment. Away. Abandon to being in a rental that didn’t need my attention or inspire ambition, being in a gorgeous natural space, being able to flow with the rhythms of the day uninterrupted, being able to swim (very cold!) and walk and linger lying down sheltered under the beaming sun, being and discovering myself without a whiff of guilt for choosing to be true to me, only me, for as long as I want. Being without burden. BEING. That’s a new kind of hard won 'reasonable'. There’s a much bigger picture of possibilities out there and in my heart now, ready to explore day by day. 2022 feels like such a blank slate. Even amidst all the global unknowns my optimism is high because being true to my self comes really easy now, faster and without a wobble of concern for being unreasonable. Nothing else matters when I’m listening to my head as it’s informed by my heart. My heart (and yours) that is connected to Divine wisdom so much greater than all this stuff... True alignment makes me a better person. The rewards are glorious and inherent in the choices made from that kind of unwavering loyalty. Highly recommended. I call it Sacred Selfishness. Cheers! LG |
Perhaps it's not just me, Thank you for being part of the forward motion we all strive for. The day actually got better with a Show Room visit, it's so great to simply share, in person, what's been missing. Take good care of yourself! Till we can meet again, xo |
For whatever reason, I’m taking time to share this while making lentil soup for my father who is dying. It’s going to be slow and painful and there’s nothing to be done except work within the parameters of managing his comfort.
Not your normal Christmas Newsletter full of good cheer. Although certainly that wish is sincerely in my heart for all of us.
I think, like a parent watching a sick child in helpless despair, this role reversal can also change you, rip your heart open while birthing a bleeding compassion that hurts like hell.
I’m writing this because my prayer throughout 2020 was, is, for consciousness to rise in all of us. In me and you. It can come in the honest sharing and quiet reflection that this abundance of time allows.
In some it will take a jolt unimagined. Like for those who say so fucking blithely and with obscene insensitivity, there is no pandemic, parroting some diabolical conspiracy that only serves to divide in misery.
Because of Covid-19 impact on hospitals, my father has been continuously bumped from the Long Term Care list he’s been on for a year and half, because LTC facilities are mandated to give bed priority to hospital overflow patients, and not to members of the community who can still be assessed as stable.
The time in the local hospital emergency unit this past week was a long and intense 30 hours. My father is 93 with dementia and he doesn’t understand why he’s not at home. We were allowed only one family member at a time. Many in emerg were on their own, braving the long uncertain wait and isolation. Very strict rules kept most staff outside his cubical.
While in hospital all the tests that could not be done this year because of Covid limitation on in person doctor visits were performed and finally clear answers offered.
I wasn’t allowed to escort him when he finally got a room on a floor. No visitors. They just wheeled him away from me, saying words through masks that he couldn’t understand. We would have to apply to negotiate a visit the following day. However, because my dad is still mobile but unsteady, he started to wander out of bed confused and in distress, and the unit had the grace to break the Covid rules, to call for family to stay overnight rather than tie him to his bed with a diaper on. This is not a judgement on what short staffed hospitals must do for those who are at imminent risk of falling, breaking a hip and losing precious mobility. It’s just the reality.
His diagnosis now warrants Palliative home care- different support will start to come into place and family will attend to the rest. We have to keep my father out of hospital so he won’t die alone as too many have had to this year.
My family spanning 3 generations is a microcosm of what’s going on in the world in 2020. My overseas family member had Covid back in March, undiagnosed then and very unpleasant, still early in the curve. The after effects of energy loss were unexpected and lingering. Health organizations are studying post infection symptoms.
Recently another overseas relative, young and healthy, and fortunately due to athletic training noted unusual heart rate while exercising which is symptomatic of infection, went to get tested and diagnosed with asymptomatic Covid-19.
It's very possible they will not be allowed to fly home to say goodbye. Nor attend whatever small service we are allowed to have. Unless, bitter sweetly, this lingers into summer...
Another family member works in hospital and has to wear so much protective gear, be hot and uncomfortable for the entire shift, (not a mask wearing inconvenient jaunt into a grocery store like the rest of us), and be regularly tested. My father's demanding medical responsibility is complicated by Covid protocols and restrictions.
This is not to say I encourage fear of the virus. Fear is not helpful at all. I don't even like the now default sign off "stay safe" which I believe promotes fear. I'd rather say," be well ". It is what it is, we don't need to be afraid. Just grounded and honest, kind and careful. Informed. The trick is, I'm learning over and over, is not to resist what is...
We know this is my Dad’s last Christmas. That is our good fortune. We can be conscious for the duration which may or may not take him to his 94th birthday next summer.
My dear neighbour, a well loved and lively member of our tight community, died suddenly just two weeks ago, and tragically only 2 weeks after getting his own prognosis unrelated to Covid. No time at all to come to terms with his illness, no time to get ready. Now and suddenly his beloved partner is facing an empty Christmas that they were supposed to have time to still share. No goodbye. The deep grief on our street was mostly private. We can’t have a funeral for him. It will have to wait.
Personally I’m fortunate to have had time before my dad took a turn, a couple of days to be undistracted to really grieve the terrible unexpected loss of my neighbour, who had only just retired 2 years ago, making plans for the next part of living fancy free. He was a couple of years older than me.
He’s the third man I know who passed very quickly in his 60’s in the last 18 months.
Why am I sharing all this? Because I didn’t read this in the news, or on Facebook, this isn’t “over there” nothing really to do with me - the default many of us use to cope and carry on.
Consciousness.
I am fully aware my father has enjoyed a great long life and the good fortune of being able to live relatively independently until recently, afford the extra care that kept him independent as we waited for LTC openings. He has family willing to make great sacrifice to attend to the rest of his care.
He is not afraid of death, we speak of it openly in my family, he welcomes it as we do for him; Freedom from the physical burdens that often marks the end of life. I just didn’t anticipate that one of the necessary new skills I’d be forced to learn this year is bearing witness to his pain and difficulties.
When I wrote about my mother dying 13 years ago I shared my lesson about having to separate from her, to separate the quality of her day dictating the quality of my own day, so that I could stop the source of our conflict- which was my attempts to manipulate her into taking better care and not wearing herself out, which when she did over exert, was always followed by 2-3 very bad days. My agenda was if I could find a way for her to have more good days then I could have them too. That strategy didn't work, she would not pace herself, and my insistence only caused tension and resentment on both sides. That was a profound and arduous boundary to develop: Allow myself to enjoy my life when possible regardless if my mother was having a good or bad day. I highly recommend it for all you aging readers.
Today we observe the Winter Solstice and an astronomical event that’s been centuries in the making, Jupiter and Saturn are conjunct and will be seen brightly from earth as one light source. This is an important time. The longest night will be adorned with the brightest stars.
What does it all mean in the midst of lock down measures in Ontario and around the world as we try to manage the pandemic damage before the solutions are in place?
What does it mean for my tender heart?
It means there’s stuff so much bigger unfolding in a cosmic dance, happening at the same time as these details in handfuls of lives unfold. It means this too shall pass.
It means Light is born once again tonight.
There will be a new year with another Christmas at its end, and more centuries followed by another millennia and so on.
Our sun now in its prime midlife, will in another 3.5 billion years begin its’ own death process, and this beloved earth and neigbouring planets will be swallowed up whole in spectacular fiery consumption. The icy outer planets might become warm enough to possibly support life as a result, finally having their turn for a few hundred million years before all in this solar system goes dark.
In the more immediate future we will embrace each other again, and have a completely new appreciation for all those who kept our daily lives going- ALL the essential workers too often invisible until this year.
Appreciation for the small things that matter near hearth and home, for what we can and can’t live without.
For now, this holiday time and perhaps for the next months, I will make my father his favourite soup and dishes, and find a way to get through the new trials ahead. My parents presented a life-long model of admirable resilience.
There’s so much to learn about ourselves while wrestling with private hardships and celebrations. Parents, children, couples and solo flyers, friends that come and go, and those who stay longer, it’s all so mysterious to me right now.
The mystery of this thing called life, pulsing in billions of resolute souls and breath taking nature on this beautiful blue orb, thriving in a solar system that spins round and round our life-giving star.
With all my heart I wish you a happy Winter Solstice and blessed Holiday season that inspires you to wake as fully as possible, to dare to reach for and grasp all that’s worth loving and appreciating, however big or small.
Truly, it’s all relative.
LG
Dec. 24 update. Much has settled down for all of us, my father is comfortable and enjoying Christmas in his own home with lots of support and yummy food. Thank you for your thoughtful notes.
Ultimately, and I really mean this, ALL IS WELL.
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I’ve read that others are also feeling extreme shifts in emotions day to day, and that does bring a small comfort. This pendulum swing may actually reflect the strange times we’re in more than a change in my personality.
It’s been confusing lately because I’ve had some really great highs, notably getting my 2019 bookkeeping completed in May. On time. That’s a first, I’m usually late and only this last January completed 2017 and 2018 bookkeeping which had been hanging over my head for years like a thick soupy shadow.
I vowed never to put myself through that kind of stress again and this quiet spring offered that opportunity.
My happiness and relief was palpable when the files were handed off to my accountant. I could not even begin to imagine that for the rest of this year that pressing task would NOT be waiting around every corner to be completed.
Now I actually have time to put together systems in place to keep on top of the monthly expenses in an organized way so it’s never the huge task of going through masses of receipts involved in manufacturing my fabrics, clothing and running my business and showroom.
I was happy for a few days, feeling relieved and proud to have kept my promise. I went on to write up a final order to consume the last of the printed fabrics before putting this production year to bed.
I wrote up the pattern changes for the new styles. This was the first order with a new tailor and we’re just working out a few bugs, dense with details of communicating instructions clearly. I was so productive for these days. And then the next day came.
Not too much to do. Then news from yet another show that decided to cancel. A show I’ve been looking forward to in October, prestigious, popular and lucrative. I wanted this one so bad. They decided to cancel citing anticipation of low turn out and low spending. Understandable although not reasons I'd complain about.
It was my 16th event cancellation to date. Although not surprised, still deeply disappointed, and then discouraged as I faced again the very real probability all shows this year will cancel. Totally out of my control.
My mood dropped. It was only May and hope for October was already fading away. I felt quite useless for the rest of the day, restless, grumpy. Bored. I had already done so much important work but that wave of satisfaction was long gone.
Fortunately I know enough at this point in my personal growth and spiritual journey that if I come back to the moment, not fixate on the future unknowns, just come back to NOW and be present, then relief and comfort are available.
There’s nothing in this moment, this now, to fret or be upset about.
However that process works mostly for my fears, worry and anxiety. I was planning on writing a blog post about its effectiveness...
This was different.
The mood lingered and that’s what really got my attention because that’s not like me. I had a wonderful Zoom party with a dozen beloved neighbours Friday night, and long chats with dear friends on the phone. But this cloud sat and waited. I found that disturbing. I could not shake it.
Yesterday I had a great video production meeting with my tailor. And right afterwards, blah. I sat in the garden on a sparkling sunny day, my beautiful green thriving sanctuary and felt alternately numb and sad. This was not OK and I didn’t know how to move through it.
I created and sent out a newsletter announcing the end of a 2 month sale, then watched a movie on my ipad in the garden and that along with a nice lunch was helpful. Often I feel I SHOULD be outside enjoying the day when I am in my den disappearing into a film, so this was a great solution to that. But nope, only a momentary fix.
My week ahead has no pressing agenda. I can catch up on decluttering tasks that were put aside while sharing the new collection with clients this last month. There’s something helpful in that but not enough.
Reality is I’ve got the rest of the year gaping wide open with no structure in place. No plans. All the diligent work to research and register for these 30 events from March to November are disappearing daily and leaving a crater of unknowns, presenting an employment void I’m not emotionally prepared for.
I was talking to my dentist in April, surprised to discover I can’t get my filling repaired and would have to manage through cold sensitivity until she was allowed to service non emergency procedures, and she said, people need to work. Want to work. Need to work. It’s important. She wasn’t talking only financially, but as a fundamental cultural, societal and personal value and structure to uphold.
It’s so true. That comment stayed with me. In April I still believed I’d have my great summer of shows to participate in. Then they cancelled- the worst day was getting cancellations from 6 shows!
In May I thought I’d have autumn events to look forward to after a summer of finding other things to occupy me, but no, that’s falling apart too.
So as the province ‘opens up’ for business, all artisans relying on shows for a living are shit out of luck for the remainder of the year. There’s nothing in place to go back to. We have to wait for 2021, and hope it’s OK by then to exhibit to the public.
No matter how much fun I have, or what I accomplish, or even the wonderful online sales I get to ship out, I pivot back to this grim mood.
I am very uncomfortable.
This is NOT ME. And that makes it worse.
Even when I’m pissed about having to figure out a wider online presence or social media brand awareness, I know I’m going to one day be in a frame of mind to tackle it or find hired help. That’s not it. That’s not what’s behind this relentless low front.
Even as I feel overwhelmed with the volume of inventory I have yet to move and with no clear way to do it, I know that’s not what’s eating away at my Joy either. I will figure that out step by step. I believe solutions present themselves through intuitive inspiration. I'm good at that.
Sure I get weary, even momentarily resentful, thinking about having to reinvent my business plan from scratch, but that’s not it.
Finally this morning I understand the nature of my feelings.
I am grieving.
Grieving something very specific.
I've known I was grieving the loss of the structure of my year. Grieving the opportunity to work. Grieving the loss of income and my plans and ambitions for that income.
Yet as I consider the vast emptiness of the coming months, many coming months, they feel so essentially empty.
I realize I REALLY MISS the PEOPLE who come to the shows.
It’s YOU who have disappeared along with each event cancellation.
Aside from how physically demanding shows are for me schlepping around 400lbs of clothing in and out of my car each weekend, building and tearing down a store booth every few days, aside from what that takes in energy, OH I just love talking to the women who drop in to look.
To chat with you, find out a special nugget about your lives. I adore seeing you shyly light up looking in the mirror.
It thrills me to hear the plans you have to wear your new outfit, the festivities or adventures.
We have so much fun.
It’s interesting talking to the husbands as they wait for their wives in the change room, or the sister as she comments yes or no to an ensemble.
I love talking about Bali and the hand printed process involved in the fabrics I design with so much care.
Whenever there’s a lull in my booth I love darting over to other artisan displays and reveling in the creativity all around me. Oh the art I collect and trade with other artists at every show. Truly a highlight of each event. My home and garden brim with these treasures. Human creativity is truly intoxicating.
Chatting with organizers and food vendors, volunteers and my Airbnb hosts. Although it was my work, it was also a huge part of my social life much of the time, because at this point in my young business it is how I live most of my time.
This is the loss of YOU I’m grieving, that won’t go away by distraction or achievement.
I miss you. All the HUMAN LIFE in my shows and as one event after another cancels, it’s a fact I have to face and feel.
Just feel it.
At least today I know about all your beautiful faces behind my sadness.
There’s no comfort to reach for or film to distract. Just feel my heartache.
Recognize this specific flavour of loneliness that lingers each weekend I am not working at a show.
This is different than simple home isolation. As a social introvert, I've been doing fine on my own. But as it stands this is how it’s looking to be for all 2020 even as the lock down mandate lifts.
It’s so interesting how my spirits lift as I just write about the human social aspect of the shows- favourite things about my work. Revisiting special parts and truly enjoying that reminiscing... like I was there again….that will lighten this load as I think about how much I LOVE meeting all of YOU who attend the festivals.
There’s no quick fix here.
Everyone is going through this process in their own realm of loss. Grief for lost work, privacy, money, family gatherings, prom, travel, weddings, death, hope...
I’m learning the multifaceted aspects of our/my social nature and how this Covid time is affecting us/me so deeply in the fundamental structure of human social organizing habits and the essential fabric of our lives.
How precious the connection is to each other, strangers, friends and family alike. However casual, or temporary. The need to mingle and interact.
The absolute necessity to express ourselves
I’ll leave you with the paradox of change: When you consciously surrender to what is, it begins to shift.
I'm actually less sad after my awareness of my grief of losing connecting with you this year, and especially after writing these thoughts down.
The mystery behind my mood is revealed. I’m now feeling more neutral than anything else.
I can hold myself with compassion through my process and acknowledge the life still pulsing around me, comfort waiting when I’m ready. Little by little.
This too shall pass.
This I know for sure.
and now there’s a robin splashing in the birdbath in the garden…this time I'm grateful it makes me smile.
LG
Update June 11: It only took a few days for this cloud to pass after writing this blog. I am happy to report I've defaulted back to my more cheerful and productive self in a sustainable way. Till the next thing trips me up for a time...
Grief is an interesting process and really needs to be identified and honoured. I encourage you through your own process. There's light on the other side, I promise.
]]>
Years of files I don’t need to keep anymore ‘just in case’ were reviewed and then shredded, systematically because the shredder can only work so long without overheating, needing 30 minutes between batches. That was interesting enforced pacing, letting go of efficiency even more, once again noting there’s really no rush to get this done.
The clear bag I found became fuller and then onto another, brimming with my shredded past. I ordered more clear bags and waited till they arrived before continuing. I wanted this transformation of paper neatly contained. There’s always chaos in the reorganizing or uncluttering of a life or drawer.
When I didn't feel like shredding anymore, I started to delete or organize into folders 4000 emails so far and counting from my inbox of 12,000. It's actually great to do during commercials while watching TV.
My other life and career in group facilitation and individual personal growth was being released on a whole new level.
I became aware of the sheer magnitude of time and energy I’d put into all my retreats and workshops, programs, public speaking. All that marketing. It was eye opening how far I’ve shifted into more EASE while revisiting that way of life.
Although women’s retreats have been in the mainstream for a while now, I started in 2001. It was a new market to nurture.
I’d completed my post grad thesis on combining Gestalt Therapy with Expressive Art. The following year birthed Aziza Healing Adventures (AHA) which in its lifetime was re imagined until finally, as Laila Goddess showed a clear new path, AHA was let go of as a healing vocation of service fulfilled and completed with no regrets and much gratitude for the privilege of working in this capacity to help people become aware of unconscious patterns and grow to freely move on in their truth.
Both letting go of AHA and beginning a clothing venture were unexpected opportunities.
It’s appropriate to keep lightening up the business records from that time. It helps me integrate my current career choices at a whole new level.
The idea of my home lightening up at this level is so exciting. I get to do it from a loving gentle place in my heart.
Not so much Spring cleaning. This is Life enlightenment. Lightenment.
What an extraordinary opportunity for redefinition by virtue of what I release.
What a blessing to let go with Love.
Proceeding with love takes the action out of work/chore into the ever evolving realm of self-care as well as commitment to the new, to the aligned, to the unknown even, because the vacuum I’m creating will be filled with ever more appropriate energy and ideas, solutions and opportunities.
I’m reveling in comprehending how much less paperwork is involved with running Laila Goddess because of Ecommerce. Of course there’s a whole lot of inventory to manage but that feels very different, at least right now.
My showroom feels more like an art gallery to me…
As I imagine just how much I can release over this season, awe and wonder settle in. I can already anticipate a feeling of relief not previously possible.
That makes me really happy.
That’s the thing about home offices. Sometimes I fantasize about the office I used to have in my day job 20+ years ago and how orderly and organized it was.
My home was just that, home.
The boundary was really clear between work and me. My employer also had an accounting office and a production manager’s office, a whole slew of staff. I just needed my sales office and files.
My current self-employment home office contains all those departments as I wear all those hats, and is spread all over with filing cabinets and desks scattered in different spaces.
One day that will change, but for now, the opportunity to clear out more and more records and baubles of a life that’s finished is satisfying enough.
I’m imagining proceeding in life as things start to cautiously move forward with the enormous advantage of being organized from the inside out.
Quietly picturing the spectacular reality of having only what I need and desire in my files, drawers and closets.
All completed a little at a time from a gentle place of initiative that looks nothing like a big bad task master of old imposing a schedule and pressure of efficiency onto an already busy life.
This is the break I’ve been longing for in my private dreams but was so far out of reach. Completely unimaginable.
May 2020 is dedicated to getting my house and home in order.
All the LG marketing that is required to grow online sales to new audiences in the absence of shows will just have to wait.
I'm going to stick with YOU, my dear known clients and followers, and figure out online expansion later.
Learning Instagram hashtags for example, and creating contests, offering up private shows when we can finally gather in small groups, so many ideas and they will have to wait for implementation.
Imposing multi tasking and splitting my focus is not how I want to approach or experience this rather involved project. Not this time.
I’ve put career ahead of my personal life for a while now, with no regrets because Laila Goddess grows beautifully and consistently, rewarding my commitment time and again. Thank you!
In this involuntary pause of business as usual, I volunteer for my own growth and it looks like this:
Get my home in order.
Release the past.
Do it all with Love.
I highly recommend it.
It's amazing what can happen in this spirit of cooperation with your soul.
All else will follow.
Laila Ghattas
05/20
Should, must, have to, ought to…the enormous burden these mandates carry, the stench of guilt and the depletion of joy.
The addiction.
Sounds dramatic, but really, how many of you are chronically suffering from not being productive enough right now when you have all this time to isolate and stay home?
Perhaps like me, it’s easier to just grab lunch and watch a movie.
I’ve got a sunny den that is a treat unto itself on a clear day to curl up and disappear from the bothersome reminders of piles of clutter that need attending, cleaning the garden, inventory to photograph, updates to the website etc.
Nope, I’d rather slip up to my sunny sanctuary and not think about anything.
But in the commercial breaks I’m aware of my avoidance. I can feel the guilt of not using my time well. I sense the pull of negative judgement on my choices.
Sometimes before bed I recall like a mantra, well I did get that done, and I did complete this thing, and figured out that solution… just to justify I didn’t waste my whole day in unproductive escapism.
That’s the state of hell living with ‘SHOULD’ brings into your life.
Today I had a revelation, because I’ve had the time to reflect on and to notice my process as I moved through the first month back from Bali, strangely unexpectedly landing into Stay Home safety directives by my government.
The first delightful insight was the realization that I can indulge my procrastination without consequence.
Even shopping for food can be delayed many days because there are lots of options in the freezer in the meantime.
Putting off the long list of work related tasks won't come back to bite me. I can say, 'yes maybe I’ll get around to that tomorrow,' and nothing bad will happen.
I’m not going to lose business, or have a harder time at a show, or not be prepared enough, because that’s all on hold. Normal, same old same old, day in and day out is on hold.
There is nothing I have to do. Nothing at all.
So putting it off till tomorrow has no negative consequence.
Unless I want to torture myself with useless thoughts about being lazy, unmotivated, a sloth, and God forbid, intentionally wasting valuable time.
Nope, nothing bad is going to happen, I’m not going to be punished, my world is not going to fall apart, my business isn’t going to fail. I sure won’t be going hungry!
At this extraordinarily challenging time worldwide, in my isolated corner, I’ve got months of space and time in which to eventually get through my TO DO lists. Unprecedented.
The second revelation was I haven’t had a vacation in years.
Certainly no significant amount of hours when I wasn’t completely preoccupied with one aspect or another of Laila Goddess.
I’m not complaining or boasting, anyone who has started a business from scratch or had a child knows this as a way of life. It’s the norm. And we do it without thought, because it’s worth it.
At this moment, because the Canadian government is willing to support those who cannot work in our usual way, I have the immeasurable good fortune to relax into the welcoming stillness of this precious break knowing my food and shelter are secure. It is an absolute privilege that I know many do not have worldwide and my appreciation for this advantage runs deep.
I don’t take it lightly.
What I’m realizing is this opportunity to not work as usual, not exhibit in shows, not have the open houses in which I share my labour of love, this time of isolation at home is actually a huge blessing of time and space to not do anything I would normally have to. There is literally no schedule. For weeks and weeks...
This FREEDOM TO BE is so much MORE valuable to me right now than the significant income I would otherwise be generating by selling at shows visited by thousands of people every weekend.
The future of my business doesn’t concern me because in my heart I know everything works out exactly as it needs to, however mysteriously, no matter the challenge. I know this for sure from experience.
So as I dillydally the days away here’s what I now understand:
There truly is another way.
Act from LOVE not should.
Act from Kindness, not pressure.
Attend to the clutter because it’s good for my soul, not out of obligatory need to be productive and therefore worthy as a human.
Let the energy flow from a loving, gentle, compassionate and oh so patient centre of my being into any action that is inspired.
As an enthusiastic maker and user of lists, this truly is a new paradigm; A most remarkable shift for intention.
Intention to act from self-love.
I have the luxury NOT to bully or push myself into the tyranny of efficiency for the sake of it.
No, rather ask myself, for example- how would I feel if I write down my insights in an article to share? And then decide.
Mindfully proceeding in the natural flow of energy that follows such thoughts. It's so much more satisfying!
By using this time at home to reinvent my relationship to Doing by the sheer indulgence of BEING, so much more pleasure and ease in my life follows.
Ease, the new norm I committed to a year ago, just got a new dress!
I invite you to take this rare gift of space and time to discover yourself.
Being present for yourself is the most important thing you can do.
It sure beats the hell out of fear. Or guilt.
You can replace the task masters of should, must and have to with EASE, compassion and gentle patience.
For the first time for many of us we have an abundance of time to do nothing but BE.
You are worth it, oh so worth it.
ENJOY.
The energy that follows will delight you.
LG
04-2020
It takes a lot of time and reflection, a bit of courage too- letting go and making room for the new.
A truly inspired way to start the new year.
Patricia sent me a note on New Year's Day:
She had unexpectedly come into my trade show booth a few years ago and in a leap of faith purchased three staple LG pieces including black Everywear pants, matching Flare Jacket and a coordinating printed sleeveless Baby Doll top.
Compliments became the new norm as she wore them.
So she decided to purge her closet and build a brand new wardrobe around the latest Laila Goddess collection and her initial 3 piece ensemble.
As a self-employed designer, this note was a very sweet way to enter 2020.
She drove in from Niagara to Toronto and we spent a focused and fun time gathering colours, fabric motifs and styles she liked.
With humour and curiosity Patricia systematically began trying on the coordinating ensemble options.
She commented with each top she put on, "This would have been perfect to have had on my trip to Mexico... I just didn't have the right clothes with me."
But here's the real point of this blog, aside from the delightful fashion adventure we shared and her excitement for the outfits she'll have for her new upcoming journey.
When she put the clothing she arrived in back on, she looked so different.
I commented and asked how she felt.
She could FEEL THE DIFFERENCE in the energy of her old clothes, they certainly didn't inspire the positive way she felt the last couple of hours.
She articulated exactly what that difference was.
"Wearing Laila Goddess makes me feel like I don't need to apologize for myself, for who I am, or how I look compared to others."
"My old clothes I just put on changed that, and now I do feel like I need to apologize, need to better myself."
"I feel frumpy again" she concluded.
Words so culturally universal to our demographic, perhaps you can relate.
I sure could. It's exactly what inspired me to create a clothing label.
There you have it, Ladies.
How you feel matters.
Do what feels good.
Wear what you feel validated in.
Invest in the reflection YOU APPROVE OF.
(The A-Line Winter Tunic is a cozy elegant solution to replace her frumpy blues sweater - below Patricia's total makeover wardrobe.)
It's a new year.
Out with the old.
Release the outmoded clutter that impairs your view of who you really are.
Magnificent.
Everything you have to lose in the process is good for you.
There's no time like NOW to show unwelcome 'frumpy' out the door.
You are beautiful.
Yes.
Written by Laila Ghattas
]]>He heaped portion after portion of Christmas dinner
and then weighed himself with glee.
Compared to that morning
he proudly and publicly shared
the kilos he'd gained.
My sister commented in amazement
"Can you imagine teenage girls ever doing this?"
Food for thought;
The very different relationship
females have with food, holiday feasts,
the dreaded scale, peer judgement
and how young we learn it.
Just wanted to share this unusual tale
and encourage you please do not fret
about any changes on your scale this season.
It's not who you are.
You are SO MUCH MORE than a number.
I celebrate YOU
and all your Beauty
every gorgeous inch,
each soft gentle roll
and pearls of self-conscious moments.
I celebrate
YOU AS YOU ARE
and raise a toast to a future of
growing self-acceptance
more peace of mind
that begins with you
about you, for you,
loving you.
AS IS.
A MOST HAPPY NEW YEAR
TO YOUR WONDERFUL SELF!
by Laila Ghattas
]]>95% of the women I meet have issues with their arms.
Deep seated, rigid, non-negotiable beliefs about unacceptable upper limbs rise up like a dark horrible taboo secret to be kept out from the light of day.
It distresses me to witness this relentless epidemic of shame.
Monumental mass embarrassment.
So I’m going to talk to you from my heart about your issues with your arms.
It’s time to stop this assault on and rejection of your truly undeniably lovable self.
FACT:
Yes your body is no longer that of a 25 year old, toned and firm, free from the laws of gravity.
Yes you may look your age.
Yes you may indeed be bigger than before.
So is your heart. Your ability to love grows bigger too.
You have an enlarged capacity for compassion, compromise, letting go.
You are hugely better at expressing healthy boundaries.
All these also expand with age.
Ridiculing your arms as flabby, jiggly, gargantuan, ugly or horrible simply isn’t OK.
Believing any part of you is unfit to be seen isn’t OK.
Hiding your arms does not fool anyone into not judging or accepting you- Nothing stops people like that.
But honestly, is that how you measure up other women?
By the size and sway of their arm waddle?
It’s not what people see. Those who are worth having in your life see YOU. Not your body parts. Give them some credit.
Let’s air out the possible subtext taunting you in your head:
If I hide my arms:
I’ll be more attractive. Or less ugly.
I’ll be more acceptable.
I won’t be dismissed by you.
You might like me.
Maybe I won’t be rejected for being older.
They won’t see how much I’ve let myself go.
They won’t realize I’m no longer desirable.
I might be more lovable.
I won’t be so disgusting to look at.
Maybe I can stop being invisible.
People who know me won’t be so embarrassed by my failure to stay young and beautiful.
I can hide my failure to look as good as other women.
If anyone sees my huge arms they will know I’m fat.
They won't know I don't exercise enough.
They' won't know I've lost hope in my body.
THEY WILL SEE MY FAILURE AS A HUMAN... IN MY ARMS.
And a whole lot of other tragically unfounded self-talk (and rampant projection on flesh and bone).
Here’s the rub.
Everyone knows you’re not perfect.
Let me repeat that. You are not perfect and it’s no secret.
Surely people can see your body size whether your arm flesh is exposed or not. So what?
FACT:
Your arms have nothing to do with WHO YOU REALLY ARE. They don’t relate to your value as a human being. As a mother, sister, daughter, spouse, friend.
The number of inches around you do NOT define your measure of anything, including beauty.
YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN ANY NUMBER.
FACT:
No matter what, you are lovable.
No matter your size, you are worthy.
No matter your age, you belong.
No matter how your arms look, you are YOU.
The one and only YOU. The one who will be so missed when you are gone.
Imagine these scenarios:
“Grandma don’t hug me with your big flabby arms”
“Oh she’s not invited- have you seen the size of her arms lately!”
“Darling, I love you but we need a divorce because your arms are sagging. ”
On your deathbed your obsession remains, “ My one regret is I didn't have toned arms like Michelle Obama.”
This habit of shame is killing your joy.
It’s eroding your esteem.
Can you see how self-sabotaging it is to volunteer to do this to yourself daily.
By the way, this habitual chronic marathon of self-rejection gets you nowhere. Changes nothing.
These words and thoughts don’t inspire exercise, alternative eating habits, weight training, or anything else that will feel good but probably won’t significantly alter the natural aging process as muscle turns into something less defined.
This attitude sure as hell doesn’t help you feel happier.
Or make you good company. Ever notice how downright boring it is to listen to someone habitually put herself down? Seriously.
Let me ask you about the alternative- Are you glad you even have arms?
The ones you take for granted functionally while at the same time reject aesthetically.
Arms to use, to reach, to embrace, to Live each day with?
That's what I mention to the women who shop at Laila Goddess in my lonely commitment to positively influence a shift away from this heartbreaking mindset.
Who cares what your arms look like? Really, who?
What will happen if someone sees your arms? Really, what?
Please tell me.
There is a long reaching, menacing shadow of cultural belief that you SHOULD BE ASHAMED of your aging, spreading upper arms.
That hiding them is the only acceptable dignified option, covering up is the only way to show self respect.
That somehow life will be better or you will be more tolerable if nobody sees your big fat, no longer youthful, getting softer by the minute, disgraceful arms.
I believe this targeted self-loathing is a kind of internalized misogyny that we as a gender have swallowed whole.
Taken without question as our own woeful, useless, cruelly self defeating cause.
I don’t get it. Sorry.
It’s so fucking sad to see this waste.
Because all this bullshit self-rejection while projecting our insecurity on our poor, simple bystander, always doing what we ask them to arms is literally WASTING the gifts of life and love.
Time to spit out this bitter pill, Ladies.
Make an inner climate change commitment.
Please choose kindness and repeat after me:
I AM NOT DEFINED BY THE SIZE OF MY ARMS.
MY ARMS ARE ONLY ARMS- NO MORE OR LESS.
I’M REALLY GLAD THEY WORK SO WELL.
MY ARMS ARE PART OF MY AMAZING MIRACULOUS FUNCTIONING BODY THAT IS MY ONE AND ONLY VESSEL IN THIS LIFE.
IT IS FAR BETTER TO BE ME, AS IS, RIGHT HERE AND NOW, THAN TO NO LONGER BE LIVING MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE.
Just for today, reflect singularly on how BIG your HEART is.
I raise my middle age sizable arms to toast you on your never too late to begin journey towards self-acceptance.
Written by Laila Ghattas
10/19
]]>Fashion didn't interest me as much as self-expression, and frankly I was attached to my identification as Gestalt therapist and personal growth facilitator.
Then slowly it dawned on me, if I can lose my frumpy blues wearing clothes I design solely for myself, then perhaps other women can feel better too.
That notion was so much bigger than fashion.
This story is EXACTLY why I dared to create a brand new career with Laila Goddess.
Angie came to my booth scouting for travel clothing for her new nomadic lifestyle - despite that she hated shopping, loathed trying on clothes, and was seriously averse to looking in a mirror.
Later she returned with her husband to try on suggested ensembles with the hope that my promise for comfortable, gorgeous, easy to wear/care clothing would be delivered.
Systematically starting with the black basics, then adding each coordinating piece, Angie learned how the ensembles work together to create timeless classic versatile looks.
Several times she couldn't help but remark WOW when looking in the mirror. A brand new experience.
Gradually her husband and I started to notice a shift, flavoured with the sweet absence of hesitation and doubt.
Confidence long forgotten was literally blossoming before our eyes.
One after another, each outfit brought out possibilities for
self-acceptance through colour, drape, and outline.
However when Angie got back into her sad baggy grey t-shirt she announced dejected, "This makes me feel like my old ugly self".
And it was true, all the momentum of positive energy and excitement was fading fast with the associated self-perception and judgments attached to the very fibers of her old clothing.
She eagerly acted on my invitation to put on one of her new tops and toss out the t-shirt. It was almost chemical, this shift back and then forth again.
I'm not kidding when I say it was a Holy moment; Seizing her new reflection, believing in her beauty, feeling hopeful for forward motion and life enjoyment.
The three of us were witnessing true self-transformation.
I work intensely each winter on my spiritual development with a traditional Balinese Shaman. The manifestation of years of his prayers and blessings on Laila Goddess, and all my sincere healing intention for this venture shimmered before our eyes.
It may sound ridiculous and shallow to suggest that clothes can do that; but it's not the garment, it's about the new way you see yourself when something fits properly over your curves, when you're not fussing, when there's nothing to criticize in the mirror, when the colour is right for you.
My commitment is to create a new lens through which to look at yourself with approving eyes.
Angie's husband was shocked that she let me both take a photo of her and also agreed to let me post it. Unheard of in his experience.
Angie intends to replace her existing wardrobe with only what she loves to wear. This is SELF-CARE. The bag full of Laila Goddess ensembles in this picture will see Angie through years of happy travels near and far, and fit into a small suitcase with loads of room to spare.
Later she wrote on the Laila Goddess FB page, "I can't say enough about Laila and her clothes! What an amazing woman who genuinely cares. Thank you so much. I'm beginning the journey of loving myself!"
"Words just can't explain how I'm feeling and what you've done for me. Looking forward to seeing you again. "
Two days later..."Hi again! Going out for dinner tonight. So excited to wear something new!!" (including the photo below)
And today, "Wow I read this and can't believe that is my story. I never thought that clothes would be something to change my thinking. Even a trip to the mall dressed in jeans was a whole other world. Confidence abound. You did that for me. You truly are a goddess and I can't thank you enough!"
It simply doesn't get better than this after you dare to follow your heart, leap out of the familiar into something new.
My personal, professional and spiritual satisfaction while witnessing all of you wearing Laila Goddess is beyond description.
Thank you!
Written by Laila Ghattas
UPDATE: What Angie's husband had to say:
She said my pants- with their stretchy high waistband and soft buttery feel would be ideal for post birth bellies. Totally outside my realm of experience.
I tucked away this brand new idea.
Shortly afterwards, I was out of town at a tiny event with almost no visitors or sales, and wondered what was I doing there…. Then discovered that the organizer had just given birth the week before, had a post birth belly, and was willing to try on my pants so I could test the new idea!
She loved them so much! Said she could see them fitting up to 6 months pregnancy as well- again something I didn’t know.
She hated putting her maternity pants back on, missing the buttery soft comfort of my Laila Goddess pants.
Being a new mom with lots of extra expenses, the pants were not in her budget. This would be a common situation.
So what to do? Don't ask a new mom to buy them.
Encourage those supporting new moms to GIFT the pants.
BE THE MOST THOUGHTFUL SHOWER GIFT for a new mom.
So she can feel like she’s back in the world as herself, feel attractive, comfortable, and transition naturally in her clothes as her body continues to change.
At the same time all this was happening, a client who had been on a weight loss program informed me she was able to continue wearing her Laila Goddess Everywear pants for up to 30lbs of weight loss.
The high quality of the rayon lycra fabric adjusted perfectly to her changing body. This was real evidence to support the size versatility of the pants.
I’d also been approached by women who had undergone abdominal surgery. They had nothing to wear to work that would allow them to be careful with their tender belly incisions for the weeks of recovery.
Everywear pant high soft waistband was the solution they’d been looking for. Who knew?!
It’s a novel niche idea, to discover these versatile pants are both Post Birth and Post Op Belly solutions.
I’m approaching hospital gift shops to start carrying Everywear pants. Wouldn’t they be a wonderful inclusion in a Get Well Soon bouquet!
Here is the Beautiful Surprise in this story, because at this moment I’m in awe at the exquisite unfolding, the organic slow paced DIVINE unfolding of the next natural steps for the idea to launch.
The post birth belly market is a simple straight forward online solution: A few basic black pieces- pants, top, jacket- to offer online to a target segment of population.
It doesn’t require me to be present and put an ensemble together as I normally do (with great pleasure I might add), when participating at trade shows and Open House events.
This ensemble solution is the ideal no fuss no muss online purchase that doesn’t need my fashion input :)
BUT HOW TO GET THE WORD OUT?
In the fall I was contacted by a National TV show and invited to participate in their upcoming Christmas Gift Guide and Giveaway episode!
They’d seen Laila Goddess listed as exhibitor at a large trade show and reached out. Their demographic is 25-60, young mothers and grandmothers.
Women 45-75 are my main clientele. This opportunity was a way to expose my Everywear pants to the new moms in the TV audience and brand the pants as the PERFECT SHOWER GIFT from girlfriends and grandmothers eager to help their friend/daughters recuperate and feel good again.
The show has taped. The audience got an amazing promotion. The show airs across Canada, the US and Caribbean in December 2018.
The show producer was so impressed with my stories and client feedback about the pants she decided to develop a longer follow up fashion feature to air in spring- details I’ll tell you about later…
So the little nudge from the Universe via one trade show experience to another, specific feedback from one client then another, incubating the idea and demonstrating how viable it is through all this crossing of paths- attracted an incredible opportunity for national exposure a full circle year later.
What was required of me was to listen, stay open and flow with it.
I want this so much because I believe being comfortable while looking great is GOOD FOR YOU. Plain and simple.
I believe if each one of us loved ourselves a little more each day then individual lives would improve.
We’d treat each other better, and the rest would follow as the world also got better.
Your relationship to your reflection in the mirror is my starting place because I’ve heard you say awful things about yourself enough to know it needs addressing.
Through my label I’m inspiring you to love your reflection by creating clothing you don’t have to fuss with, that drapes lovingly over all your curves, in luxury fabric prints I’ve designed myself that LOVE YOU RIGHT BACK with my highest intention.
“You may say I’m a dreamer… but I’m not the only one…”
So here’s to the stepping stones, bridges, extraordinary happenstances, and the exact right timing of how things and events unfold for the highest good.
The Mark & Mandy Show is featuring Everywear pants this December. It airs on Saturdays on CityTV at noon EST. Check out their website for Laila Goddess monthly contests and other goodies!
LIKE LAILA GODDESS ON FACEBOOK and be up to date on all our contests, sales, new collection news from beautiful Bali.
]]>Yet you hate yourself.
]]>It’s time you realize the damage you do when you think it.
It’s time to simply stop.
Regularly you walk into my booth at the shows to shop my clothing label.
You are beautiful, healthy, wonderful.
Yet you hate yourself.
You say you are gargantuan. Disgusting. So fat.
Thunder thighs, flabby arms, exploding body.
You say your spouse tells you daily that you are the love of his life,
but won’t believe him.
Don’t know how he could love you at this size.
How could it be true when you look like this?
As if all you are is the number on the scale, or the inches around your middle.
As if your worthiness of love is CONDITIONAL.
As if your beauty could only be measured by comparison to someone else. Someone perfect.
You believe an awful story and repeat it daily like a mantra.
As if it’s true. As if it’s the only option.
When I hear you and witness your quiet despair and profound shame, my heart simply breaks.
Oh my dear, you are SO MUCH MORE than the pounds and inches and rolls that linger on your fully functioning body.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing that makes you unlovable.
NOT ONE THING.
It breaks my heart to see your complete and determined
BLINDNESS to your beauty.
There is nothing I can say to sooth you,
to remove the lens of self-loathing.
Or even open up to what’s true beyond the lie you tell yourself:
That there's something wrong with you.
It takes me a long time to recover when you leave my booth…
your self-directed attacks ring in my ears. Wrench at my insides.
All I can do is write out my sorrow.
And invite you to stop, just for a moment, and reconsider who you are.
Re-evaluate your conditions for worthiness.
Understand this bizarre incongruity: You accept my size, even admire my beauty and yet find yourself severely lacking. WTF?!
There’s a new year on the horizon.
Are you going to continue this madness or not?
It's so sad to WASTE LOVE like this.
So mean to WITHHOLD KINDNESS like this.
You would never say it to a friend or even a stranger.
Will you dare begin a new habit?
I know it’s hard.
Consider saying and thinking this instead:
My body is changing.
I feel uncomfortable.
Speak neutral language, just for a while and see how you feel.
It's not easy.
You’ve been ADDICTED to these judgments for a very long time.
It’s going to take effort to break free, even momentarily.
But do it anyway. Please.
I’m begging you.
If you won’t do it for yourself
then do it for me.
Laila Ghattas
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Sure it was fun and the artist in me got to play with colours and shapes, patterns and borders. And it complicated the manufacturing process exponentially.
This summer, based on the huge initial success of my new fabrics, and because my minimum sewing orders were raised, I started to coordinate my largest order to place in time for the busy fall show season.
And to sneak in some pattern adjustments after I saw you try on the new dresses and jackets in order to perfect the fit.
I agonized for weeks over which colours to retire because after experimenting with all sorts of variations to test the market, I simply could not keep carrying 15 fabric options in 4 sizes for some styles. Listening to you at my shows, it became clear which were the winners and loved by most. So I put together my order.
First I had to figure out how many meters were required for the new minimums per colour. Then do the math for the printing order. And the math for the raw fabric rolls required to print on. And exactly what type of fabric since expanding my line- with lycra, crepe finish, or krinkle.... Then I had to do the money math and forecast summer sales to support this leap of faith!
When I was ready and had emailed the print and sewing order files, it was then that my raw fabric supplier dropped the totally unexpected news. They were out of inventory of most of what I needed. I was going to miss the printing window I'd carefully planned to follow the Ramadan holiday closure of the printing factory. I could get a minimum amount of fabric to get started on, but there would be delays.
So I had to rewrite those carefully created orders. Then a week later, fabrics arrived early-which was good news, and I had to rewrite the files again. Not a little bit confusing for all involved.
When I started to follow up on the printing, which I was told had begun 2 weeks before, and which I had arranged for my sewing team to begin, I was informed that there had been unprecedented rain in this the dry season. I called my printer and couldn't hear him as the rain thundered overhead on the roof...no joke about the weather.
Colour printing requires sunny days for best results, that's why I started to design fabrics with black only motifs to print. I wanted to avoid this type of delay by being clever. Ha! I encouraged them to start on the black pattern part of production and let go of any hope of getting more Spiral motif in before September.
It didn't occur to me that the heartbreaking tragedy of the Lombok earthquake in early August would directly impact my business. Between Mount Agung volcano activity and the earthquake on the neighbouring island, Bali weather had changed even more, with thick cloud cover arriving each afternoon.
Nothing with colour was getting printed. The backlog from designers all over the world wanting their fabric was getting intense. My texts weren't getting answered.
My sewing team was stalled and this huge order I'd dared invest in and decide on, was getting adjusted and prioritized each week of delays. The order got split into what could be achieved, like the solid blacks and other colour fabrics that didn't require printing and what colour printing had to wait for September shipping.
For added pressure an amazing opportunity knocked and my initiation into wholesale shows was decided at end of June.
That meant I needed samples by end of August to show to Boutiques coming from across Canada to order their Spring 2019 inventory. This moved up production/shipping dates by 10 days. That's a lot under any circumstances let alone this maddness.
The success of my summer sales left me with few samples to show in the most popular styles. Selling out is wonderful! Thank you! However this show is important, and the learning curves for it alone are enormous. To have a fussy, unpredictable, ever shifting production going on overseas, at opposite time zones that demand communication between 9pm-12am each evening as they start their day, at the same time I'm preparing for the wholesale show was not in my summer plans to say the least...
Then I realized a file I'd prepared carefully and sent early July for new fabric colour printing had not saved properly and that order was never received. First time ever. At that point I started to laugh out loud at the folly of thinking way back in June that I'd be so careful and detail specific to make this order a very smooth experience for all involved.
Had to let go of my ambition to show new wholesale buyers even more fabric options to choose from for 2019...
Finally, this week just days before they needed to be shipped, my tailor got the printed fabrics necessary for my samples because they were finally dry enough, and went into full sewing gear.
When printing black, the fabric needs to sit for 3-4 days, then get set and washed and hang to dry. Tough when the rain keeps falling...
We arranged to ship on Friday, so I could, with luck, receive everything in good time a few days before setting up for the wholesale show.
Then after I thought it was all arranged, a text came saying Friday is a national holiday, Independance Day for Indonesia. Fedex was closed. The Good news was my tailor was going to work overtime to get as much complete as possible. So we had to push shipping till Saturday morning. Again I laughed out loud!
And braced again to sort through a last minute shipment before a trade show set up...something I truly wanted to avoid because it's such an added stress under time pressure.
My plan B all along ( which ultimately allowed me to sleep at night) was to ask a favour of one of my dear friends who also happens to have most of my collection in her closet. I'd get any samples I needed from her to show prospective boutiques... but that's really not what I wanted.
Between all this activity, every weekend I've been out of town participating in outdoor events, setting up, showing and selling my collection to ever increasing audiences, encouraging me through this extraordinary experience.
Go with the Flow. That's the only option really.
Changing weather patterns, tragic earthquakes, volcano eruptions, national holidays, inventory problems, surprise delay after delay, these are all part of what it is to create and grow Laila Goddess this year.
It's literally awesome to watch all these independently moving pieces and try to hang on when I'm not spinning.
I couldn't face any of this if YOU didn't love Laila Goddess so much.
Thank you for participating in the amazing growth spurt of this true labour of LOVE.
LG
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The biggest surprise in my life is that in my mid 50's I'd be undertaking a new creative venture that beckons me way past my comfort zones and yet into such deeply satisfying self-expression.
My first decade of traveling to Bali to facilitate annual self-discovery retreats and linger there to deepen my spiritual connection and bond with the Balinese people was at the same time preparing me for this recent vocational shift.
As my body changed in my 40's, I had my clothes custom made there to help me lose my frumpy midlife blues. Each year different styles and fabrics morphed into a truly satisfying reflection in the mirror.
As a Happiness Specialist & Gestalt therapist assisting personal growth seekers, it occurred to me that my personal experience was universal: being happy with your reflection goes deeply towards building a positive self-image. We're just made that way.
It was suggested I start my own clothing label because through my custom designed wardrobe I'd found the solution to gorgeous comfort for mature women who are overlooked in the fashion industry. It seemed to be a natural extension of my healing commitment.
What I didn't realize at the time is that these everyday wardrobe pieces were perfect for travel.
My EveryWear pants are the most comfortable to wear on the plane and around town. The non-fading non-pilling easy care fabric breathes and falls in flattering generous luxury.
I never wonder anymore what to pack because these basics are versatile enough to be casual or dressy.
Women come for private consultations before trips and leave my showroom with such relief and confidence. We've also done this by phone and Facetime!
Who knew?
So my Bali Retreats now hold a new dimension because my signature fabrics and styles are inspired and produced in Bali.
As a result of what I hear in the change rooms, I'm now determined to neutralize negative inner dialogue that's a chronic problem in women of all shapes, size and age.
The deeply satisfying piece of this unfolding is I get to help women find kinder words, hush the inner critic, and move ever so gently towards really seeing their undeniable beauty. Achieved through my clothing collections, speaking engagements and the annual retreat.
Bali is the most perfect environment on so many levels for this transformation.
Please consider joining my March 1-4, 2018 Heaven On Earth Retreat.
The unstoppable Debbie Lloyd of TodaysWomanTraveller.com will take care of all the travel and hotel logistics.
I'll help you begin the journey to a kinder more loving relationship with your self in one of the most beautiful places on earth.
You can shop here beforehand and get ready for your trip!
Happy 2018!
]]>But I still wasn't reassured. I'm new at all of this shopify web building and it's the very first shopping cart I've created. I wanted to be reassured it was working correctly. He said it was. I didn't know how to believe him even though I really wanted to. There was nothing more to do but wait and see.
Then low and behold, as I was turning off my computer shortly after posting the website live, I noticed a lovely email waiting to be opened. I was being notified of my very first online order!! It worked! No fuss, no muss, these people know what they're doing and this first order by Paypal went perfectly. What a relief. As a newbie I'm not alone in the anxiety of unknowns in this big wide tech world. At least I completely trust their security for sensitive information while processing the payments.
So we're off. And this week, all orders that come in get to be the FIRST ON THE PLANET to be produced and worn this summer. May 16 is the deadline for placing an order that we can guarantee will be in the first shipment expected to arrive from Bali mid June.
This shipment will have more samples including our brand new solid colours in Kimono's, pants, shorts, dresses and brand new patterns for tunics and tanks and shawls.
The creativity flowing through me is fast and furious and I am only frustrated by the fact I can't just drive to Bali and start experimenting with new fabric designs, colour combinations and patterns. It'll have to wait till my next trip to the other side of the world either later this year or next January.
So if you want to be first on the planet to wear a Feel Good SIlk on our exclusive fabric designs, join us please!!
Thanks for reading!
]]>I saw this rice farmer planting seedlings in January when I arrived in Bali and felt that was the perfect metaphor for Laila Goddess Feel Good Silks!
Well, it's been exactly a year since my wonderful Business Coach Lee Milteer strongly urged me to start my own clothing line.
It took me a while to make the idea meaningful to me.
I figured since I had all my clothes custom made in Bali each winter when I worked there, and the result was I felt really good while wearing them, not frumpy as was the usual, and I could feel my self esteem rise, then perhaps that can happen for others too. That's what I mean by making it meaningful. It couldn't only be about generating income to be worth the mammoth effort and resources to get it started.
The Feel Good Silk idea came to me so that the product would stand out in the market place. It's not easy to find really beautiful silk pyjamas, and nearly impossible to find ones that are versatile enough to you can wear outside the house and make your investment really work for you.
I returned from Bali on March 22, 2014 with my first samples after a serioius roller coaster ride spanning 2 months of unexpectedly having to design fabric (that's a future blog post), have it hand printed one meter and one colour at a time, figure out sizes, patterns and create all the branding at the same time.
I came home to the task of creating this website after photographing my samples in my living room. Really looking forward to getting animated pictures of people enjoying these Feel Good Silks!
I heard about online storefronts and am so grateful that Shopify had everything in place for me to give you here the basic collection in a fairly presentable fashion and with a working shopping cart. I created this site in a week, which is miraculous to me.
You'll be seeing changes as I continue to tinker.
These clothes are infused with my sincere intention that all who wear them feel so good they feel better about themselves. They are literally blessed before you get them in the mail.
Hope you enjoy my creation!!
Thanks for reading my very first blog entry!.
Laila Ghattas
Creator of Laila Goddess Feel Good Silks
In Bali the morning I was flying out wearing the very first sample that had been delivered the night before. You can see how much the rice has grown!
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