With unprecedented behavior I’ve cancelled my participation in several events since the end of March . The first shows I cancelled I'd applied to in order to replace dashed hopes for acceptance into a prestigious show in Ottawa, which I annually apply to and which annually puts me on a waitlist. Yet this year, a month before it started, this show notified me they had a space open up. The Ottawa show is a big investment and a high end 4-day event which I knew was important for me to attend and which I imagined would exceed sales from the other 2 local shows on same dates I’d committed to when I was waitlisted.  I decided to upgrade LG and walk away from sizeable non-refundable fees, giving notice to the organizer in time to change her floorplan without me. The rewards for this leap of faith were wonderful on so many levels, and my intuition proved correct.

At the end of April during my 4th show that month, I caught a chill at a relentlessly freezing air conditioned indoor event  and I made the unusual decision regarding the show the following weekend not to try to push myself to drive out of town, set up and work the event while unwell, again forfeiting a non-refundable event fee. This was a little trickier to decide because I’d already made plans the following weekend to spend time away visiting friends. Cancelling would mean two weekends of not working. But I chose to look after my health and was so grateful to be sleeping in my own bed while I quickly bounced back to health. I also cancelled time with my intern postponing important work that actually could wait. What a revelation!

My initial intention was to have a working weekend off with friends on Mother’s Day weekend, while spending the Saturday doing a local outdoor pop up. But I took candid stock of the cost to me personally/physically /emotionally to haul the tent and set up early morning for a 5 hour event, take down tent and pack up, and be tired for the remainder of my precious visit.  When asked to confirm my attendance I told the organizer I'd skip the event this year, and proceeded to freely enjoy uninterrupted time having fun and joyfully walking the sandy beaches of sparkling Georgian Bay.

Yet it was just this last weekend, as I was completing the long 5-day Weftfest show in Waterloo, a very successful and wonderful event where I made a lot of sales and new LG fans, that was when I made an unprecedented choice. Impulsively checking long term weather for the following weekend, which was to be my first outdoor event, I saw it was going to be unusually cold for end of May and rainy.  It was a new event for me, untried, out of town and after getting sick while freezing at an earlier indoor event I could easily imagine myself shivering, cold and damp and uncomfortable outdoors in a tent all day long, knowing women would not be inspired to try on any clothes under those circumstances.

 This time I chose to cancel, not for a better show, not for health, not for fun with friends, this time I made my decision based on my comfort and the quality of my life while working. It’s important to mention I’ve done outdoors shows in terrible heat waves, in rain, with flash flooding, in high wind, and in the cold, and never even thought to cancel. This was new indeed.

Decades ago while in my Graphic Arts sales career I realized that every salary comes at a price and that it was important to recognize the COST of what that living was to my heart and soul. That's when I started to train part-time in the Healing Arts to have more meaningful employment. It's taken me a while to apply that wisdom to Laila Goddess.

Luckily, as before, I was able again to cancel my accommodations without penalty, and again I was willing to forfeit my show fee, choosing my quality of comfort for 3 days over a potentially miserable weekend outdoors.

Putting myself first ahead of endeavouring to work an event most weekends is very new. It’s a mysterious evolution as I age, belatedly discerning between shows and deciding, after the fact of my annual commitment in the New Year to work as much as possible while applying to all these events, to then months later shift into a more appropriate use of my energy and time. I was fortunate to talk to my neighbor at Weftfest to discuss the upcoming weather and witness her wholehearted support to cancel participating. I wasn’t just being a wuss, not that I needed her to say it, but it was so reassuring to hear her grim response to the forecasted weather for an outdoor event with the damage risk to my clothing.

How did I ultimately know it was the correct decision? Pure relief! After unhesitatingly notifying the bnb and then the organizers the relief flooding my body was my stamp of approval. My relief was deep and abiding and I just knew it was the BEST choice for me; for my quality of life. A significant consideration when facing scraping through every event to earn a living. I was confident that any sales I may have lost after expenses would be made up at another show. 

This is living at a whole new level of TRUST. 

Even as the weather forecast improved slightly the next day, I already happily pivoted to use the new found time to proceed with important inventory counting and other administrative tasks often impossible to accomplish until I have a block of time without shows.

To my great surprise the organizers of this most recent show totally understood my concerns, assured me the 2026 show would be indoors and are refunding me most of my fee! The serendipity of getting show fees refunded for the first time when I was guided by prioritizing my comfort over miserable working conditions is notable :)

Why am I sharing this? Many of you are my age, entering senior years with the creeping discovery that we need more time to heal, get tired a bit faster, and don’t have those full stores of energy available in our 50’s. Despite my good fortune of being strong and able, I’m unwilling to push myself so hard. Remember that L'Oreal commercial?" I'm worth it!".

Pacing my flow of energy is a skill I dearly want to master. 

Perhaps in sharing this story there’s a nugget of encouragement to give yourself a break, even from a commitment you’ve made, by choosing your needs over another. 

How uncomfortable was that to read and consider? Yikes! Me first? No way.  Well I’m telling you from experience the rewards are absolutely worth the discomfort of exercising the use of this newly found muscle.

Before starting Laila Goddess, when I was a therapist facilitating women’s healing retreats, I’d ask participants, “What do you want?”. So many, especially the younger mothers, had no idea and told me, “I’ve never asked myself that before.” They were sadly resigned to being last on their list. If this feels familiar, there's a radical option to consider.

Sacred Selfishness. A revolutionary paradigm to explore.

When I changed my name to Laila Merelle I was engaging a new energy; Redefining my sense of obligation, tradition, belonging, priorities, ambition, identity. It’s massive and exciting because now I’m consciously honing my ability to evaluate a situation and see how it fits into my new vision. Such an unfolding! These show cancellations were the perfect training ground.

As was a recent visit to the hospital for a biopsy. Last January I finally booked my overdue mammogram, and there was something there they decided to have me return for an ultrasound, which was inconclusive. I was assured it didn’t look suspicious and they wanted to do a biopsy to rule out any potential.  My trip to Bali was already booked so it had to wait till Spring and the doctor wasn’t concerned about the delay, affirming my private intuition that all was well. 

In early May, before the procedure the technician told me about a clip that they’d put on the area that would show as a marker in the mammogram I’d have right after the biopsy, for future reference. I agreed, thinking that would probably hurt as it pinched my skin, thinking a clip was an external object like the one I use in my hair or with paper. Nope. After the biopsy was done and the doctor was talking about the next step of inserting the clip, I questioned, insert? Well yes, the clip is going into the breast to mark the area just biopsied. OH. 

Then I proceeded to ask the questions that were supposed to have been discussed before the procedure with the technician: What’s it made of? Titanium. Hmmm metal in my body. It’s perfectly safe she said. How big? Small, a few millimetres. How long will it be there? Thinking perhaps it would go away after a while like stitches.  It’s permanent. I countered that 'permanent' was not a word used in the preliminary conversation. She volunteered It can be surgically removed.

I summarized my new understanding: You want to insert a piece of metal in my body permanently for the convenience of reading the next mammogram so that you know this exact area was already biopsied? Yes. FUCK.

I was acutely aware that this was the wrong time (for them) to be asking these questions, it was expensive time. And yet, better now (for me) than just agreeing out of self-imposed pressure and being stuck with this thing. My intuition was strong- this nodule was not an issue and did not warrant a marker. The doctor said if it was her she’d have the clip inserted. 

So I did something uncomfortable and very unlike the old me. I told them I needed time to process this new information while they stood above me as I lay exposed and vulnerable on the table. I apologized for misunderstanding the briefing and I TOOK TIME from them for myself. Maybe a minute or more, but despite the overt inconvenience,(and beyond awkward silence), I gave that gift to myself to consider this permanent procedure. 

The answer in my body was a clear NO. My head rationalized, if there’s a problem in the biopsy results, they can insert it later when they’re doing whatever else might be necessary, but I doubted it would be necessary. The point being- my NO now was less permanent that the inserted clip.

I dared to decline the clip insertion into my body. The doctor, who had been gracious, patient and calm, left the room without drama to attend the next patient. The technician looked uncomfortable and I explained this happened because the medical term ‘clip’ has a totally different meaning to laypeople like me who are literal with language, and suggested in future she might use something more descriptive beyond the medical term.

If there’s a next time I need a medical procedure, I’m going to ask them to draw me a simple diagram so I know what the words actually mean.

It’s not easy to be non-compliant after signing a waiver and giving written permission for a procedure I did not realize I did not understand. In that really inconvenient moment I broke the old mold- I was not a ‘nice girl’, nor a ‘pleaser’ in that hospital room. I did not surrender to the norm or their expectations for the sake of it being my misunderstanding; I did not take care of the other before taking care of myself.

Could I have been this brave, this self-possessed, this SELFISH before this moment?  I don’t think so. The more I integrate the true power inherent in my new name, Laila Merelle, the more startling my life choices and shifts in perception. It helps I’m in my mid 60’s with enough experience and maturity to take up space and time with less concern for what others might think.

That’s the gorgeous beauty of ripening on the bough of life.

Biopsy results, as expected, were fine. I’m OK. It’s good to listen to your body’s wisdom to manage unnecessary worry and stress about news and information you are waiting to find out. You’ll notice, despite my inner knowing that all was well, I still agreed to the biopsy. I’m grateful to our Canadian medical system freely available, that offers empirical options that might confirm or rule out concerns. I complied with the suggested biopsy, just not to the titanium pellet permanently inserted into my body. Please note:  I have no judgement, none, nada, of women who choose to have this clip procedure. It’s different for every one of us. My body, my choice. That’s all. 

Why am I sharing this? Perhaps one of you reading this far needs to hear a story about making a wave, standing your ground, choosing what’s not popular,  breaking your word, changing your mind, asking for and taking your time to decide on something important no matter the inconvenience to others. Whatever might be crossing your path right now.

Perhaps this is one more story of permission to put yourself first on your journey to reaching critical mass for deciding to live a new paradigm of SACRED SELFISHNESS. 

With LOVE, I sincerely wish you a Bon Voyage.

Laila Merelle
05/25