HOW YOU BREAK MY HEART
It’s time you knew how much you hurt me when you say this.
It’s time you realize the damage you do when you think it.
It’s time to simply stop.
Regularly you walk into my booth at the shows to shop my clothing label.
You are beautiful, healthy, wonderful.
Yet you hate yourself.
You say you are gargantuan. Disgusting. So fat.
Thunder thighs, flabby arms, exploding body.
You say your spouse tells you daily that you are the love of his life,
but won’t believe him.
Don’t know how he could love you at this size.
How could it be true when you look like this?
As if all you are is the number on the scale, or the inches around your middle.
As if your worthiness of love is CONDITIONAL.
As if your beauty could only be measured by comparison to someone else. Someone perfect.
You believe an awful story and repeat it daily like a mantra.
As if it’s true. As if it’s the only option.
When I hear you and witness your quiet despair and profound shame, my heart simply breaks.
Oh my dear, you are SO MUCH MORE than the pounds and inches and rolls that linger on your fully functioning body.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing that makes you unlovable.
NOT ONE THING.
It breaks my heart to see your complete and determined
BLINDNESS to your beauty.
There is nothing I can say to sooth you,
to remove the lens of self-loathing.
Or even open up to what’s true beyond the lie you tell yourself:
That there's something wrong with you.
It takes me a long time to recover when you leave my booth…
your self-directed attacks ring in my ears. Wrench at my insides.
All I can do is write out my sorrow.
And invite you to stop, just for a moment, and reconsider who you are.
Re-evaluate your conditions for worthiness.
Understand this bizarre incongruity: You accept my size, even admire my beauty and yet find yourself severely lacking. WTF?!
There’s a new year on the horizon.
Are you going to continue this madness or not?
It's so sad to WASTE LOVE like this.
So mean to WITHHOLD KINDNESS like this.
You would never say it to a friend or even a stranger.
Will you dare begin a new habit?
I know it’s hard.
Consider saying and thinking this instead:
My body is changing.
I feel uncomfortable.
Speak neutral language, just for a while and see how you feel.
It's not easy.
You’ve been ADDICTED to these judgments for a very long time.
It’s going to take effort to break free, even momentarily.
But do it anyway. Please.
I’m begging you.
If you won’t do it for yourself
then do it for me.